As a kid we actually had one, but he was an oddly effeminate character, prone to sporting Nintendo-related T-shirts and delving into unrequested monologues about Japanese trinkets. And when he got older, he essentially turned into a carbon-copy of Harry Potter (it was remarkable how much he looked like Radcliffe) and, um, confirmed his love for Ron, rather than Hermione. This kid couldn't break up a Kit-Kat, let alone a marriage. Well, unless we're talking about a White Bird in a Blizzard [review] type situation, then I guess it might have been possible.
The Boy Next Door is an awful film, but almost charmingly so. Yet another entry in to the sexy neighbor ruins everything genre, I picked this one up hoping for the best. And by best, clearly I mean f--king worst.
Jennifer Lopez stars as Claire, the recently-divorced, sexy single mom, who despite living on one income, parks her big ass in an even bigger house. Her husband has recently cheated on her at the corner of happy and healthy, and is slowly trying to regain the trust of his wife and all of her ridiculous hairstyles. Oh, and their son Kevin, too, needs his dad back, as ol' Kev is perhaps the biggest pussy in his high school.
Enter Ryan Guzman as Noah, the handsome twenty five year-old high school senior who's moving in next door to take care of his uncle, The Guy Who Hates Those Damn Meddling Kids in every episode of Scooby-Doo ever. Noah is a real charmer, as not only can he fix your garage door, quote Greek literature, but he also has rock hard abs and the squarest of jaws. Oh, and he's quite the bad ass motherf--ker, too.
Literally.
As it goes in these films, Noah and Claire hook up. For her, it was a moment of weakness, the night after trying on her hooker shoes while watching Noah do things in the nude from her room. Yeah, it turns out after a buying a 4,000 sq. foot home for her family of two-ish, Claire's blinds/curtains budget was fully depleted. Noah's too, actually. And while Claire thinks that it was a fun little accident, Noah loses his shit and vows that their love is like, totally strong, bro.
Did I mention that Claire is an English teacher? And that essentially hours after sexy-time, Noah is enrolled in her class? I didn't? Bummer. I totally should. But what I will tell you, is that while perhaps the first ten minutes of this film somewhat occur in reality, eventually it slides into The Land of Awful, where Noah can pursue his murderous quest for Claire unencumbered by police, bullets or even a moderately functional script. It's bad, friends. Really really bad.
Speaking of dual awful, here are the Yays and Boos. For a film like this, they are essentially one and the same, but for the sake of fairness, I'll go ahead and arbitrarily divvy them up. Ready? Me neither.
Jennifer Lopez stars as Claire, the recently-divorced, sexy single mom, who despite living on one income, parks her big ass in an even bigger house. Her husband has recently cheated on her at the corner of happy and healthy, and is slowly trying to regain the trust of his wife and all of her ridiculous hairstyles. Oh, and their son Kevin, too, needs his dad back, as ol' Kev is perhaps the biggest pussy in his high school.
Enter Ryan Guzman as Noah, the handsome twenty five year-old high school senior who's moving in next door to take care of his uncle, The Guy Who Hates Those Damn Meddling Kids in every episode of Scooby-Doo ever. Noah is a real charmer, as not only can he fix your garage door, quote Greek literature, but he also has rock hard abs and the squarest of jaws. Oh, and he's quite the bad ass motherf--ker, too.
Literally.
As it goes in these films, Noah and Claire hook up. For her, it was a moment of weakness, the night after trying on her hooker shoes while watching Noah do things in the nude from her room. Yeah, it turns out after a buying a 4,000 sq. foot home for her family of two-ish, Claire's blinds/curtains budget was fully depleted. Noah's too, actually. And while Claire thinks that it was a fun little accident, Noah loses his shit and vows that their love is like, totally strong, bro.
Did I mention that Claire is an English teacher? And that essentially hours after sexy-time, Noah is enrolled in her class? I didn't? Bummer. I totally should. But what I will tell you, is that while perhaps the first ten minutes of this film somewhat occur in reality, eventually it slides into The Land of Awful, where Noah can pursue his murderous quest for Claire unencumbered by police, bullets or even a moderately functional script. It's bad, friends. Really really bad.
Speaking of dual awful, here are the Yays and Boos. For a film like this, they are essentially one and the same, but for the sake of fairness, I'll go ahead and arbitrarily divvy them up. Ready? Me neither.
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| Personally, I'd turn around if I was going to fart out the window. |
Yaaaaaaaaaay?
- Noah shows up pushing his Uncle in a wheelchair. My wife was furious that neither house had a wheelchair ramp, yet we were supposed to buy that he could get around. Being a fan of the absurd, you don't know happy this conversation made me.
- Awful foreshadowing, GO! First, there's a storm off in the distance during Noah and Claire's dinner date. Hmm, what could that mean? Second, and perhaps my favorite terrible line ever...Noah in his date-rapist drawl, casually mentions, I've been eating here every night. Gross.
- What I love the most about Psycho Guys? These f--kers love to punch a wall. Love to. Old lady won't love me? F--k you, Wall. F--k you to Hell.
- This is probably a Boo, but I'm pretty sure Kevin (Claire's wussy son) is allergic to boxing. No, wait. That's totally a Yay.
- Whomever was in charge of make-up needs a standing ovation. J.Lo was covered in Cover Girl, you know, because she's worth it.
- I'm pretty sure, at one point, Noah had to read away his massive J.Lo induced boner.
- School bullies. Sure, it makes no f--king sense that three skater punks would endlessly harass the son of a school employee, or that one of said punks would look like a retarded Ed Sheeran, but it made all the sense in the world that Noah would totally beat the shit out of them. This scene is MAGIC.
- As was the vicious dry-humping that Noah would eventually give Claire in the boy's bathroom.
- No bullshit, there is an impressive level of violence at the end. Not to mention an impressive level of 'naked J.Lo' in the beginning.
- And finally, the moment where I knew I was in love with (hating) this movie. Noah jacks the shit out of the school's Vice Principal (played by a horribly miscast Kristin Chenoweth) and after leering over her for a beat, does what I assume he simply has to do. Like the pimp that he is, he cooly and calmly, cracks his f--king neck! How could anyone in the history of time approve this?
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| I had a friend who would volunteer to help my mom in the kitchen. Apparently, I now have to find him. And kill his face. |
Booooooooooo?
- I hope you like things being explained to you. By that I mean there's going to be a lot of expository dialogue. You know, where the characters tell us what we need to know about the story, instead of just speaking like actual people. Because in bad movies, they tend to overexplain...okay I'll just stop now.
- Chenoweth says pussy twice in the first twenty words she says. What the shit is this?
- When J. Lo's character is angry, I'm pretty sure the paying audience should be, too.
- The most beautiful girl in school works in a hardware store? I half expected Christian Grey to land his helicopter out front and buy some more f--king rope. To hang myself with.
- J. Lo's o-face is terrifying. No, I'm not kidding. She makes that girl in the closet from The Ring look totally sexy.
- Noah: I love your mother's cookies. M.Brown: I hate everything in this world.
- Claire, that bitch, has nine students in her class. Oh, Hollywood.
- Why does the principal sound like Batman? Wait, I know this one: because he's an asshole.
- Claire and her VP are talking about the sex-tape that Noah made of them. VP: It won't see the light of day. She's talking about the wrong movie.
- Claire needs some answers about Noah's murky past. Good thing the police department saves every burnt car ever.
- And finally, as the credits roll, we are shown an entirely indecipherable recap of the entire movie in two minutes. Wait, wait, wait. Now you show me this? Couldn't we have started here?
You know, as I typed up this monstrosity, I found myself thinking about all the boys next door in my lifetime. And really, the aforementioned Harry Potter-kid was the only one that qualified. But then it occurred to me. That kid? That kid had a mom. And me? I totally lived next door to her. Damn it. I totally blew-
Wait. Nevermind.
I wasn't a boy.
I was all man.