When I was around eleven or twelve, we went to Florida and did the whole Disneyworld and Universal Studios thing. And minutes upon arriving at Universal, I recall my mom had to go to the bathroom (I mean, the exact f--king minute we got there). Okay, we'll wait here.
We're sitting there...and it's clear, like, completely obvious, something has happened. Something has gone wrong. Eventually my mom comes storming back to us, furious. Apparently, the bathroom was out of paper towels, and when my mom questioned some hapless employee, (according to legend) the lady's answer was, So? If this is a movie, this is the part where you say out loud, Oh, bitch. You done f--ked up now.
Long story short(ish), my mom went apeshit, complained to someone, and ended up getting some Willy Wonka Golden Ticket-esque VIP Pass. We now were granted the ability to not wait in line on four (4) rides. But instead of signaling an employee and being quietly ushered past the rope, my mom dragged us through the entire line, jamming this f--king badge-thing in the face of thousands of angry tourists. It was the worst.
But also kind of awesome.
It turns out that employees at Jurassic World are also highly skilled at totally f--king up, and as much as it hurt my soul to watch, these careless mistakes led to greatness. And by greatness, I mean the best parts of a decidedly average film. Yes friends, despite it making eleventy billion dollars, and starring the fantastically charismatic Chirs Pratt, put me down in the camp of You're f--king kidding me, right?
Looking back, I don't know why I had such a nerd-boner for this one headed in. Of course I liked the first one, but I think I was just a little too old when it came out to f--king love it (my younger brother Nikos wore out a VHS copy). The second one was dumb, but enjoyable, and the third one was a step up from that. But this fourth one? I don't know...I thought it was going to be really, really good. Like, Mad Max: Fury Road [review] good. Maybe even better.
Um, nope.
The idea of genetically-mutated dinosaurs seemed great on paper, and Starlord leading his Raptor Brigade on a dino-hunt via dirtbike appeared to have been plucked straight from the sticky pages of my Dream Journal. But as the film wore on, and yet another f--king moronic employee did something, well, f--king moronic...I began to think, f--k me. And f--k this. In fact, f--k everything. But...
...then I thought: m.brown! It's f--king dinosaurs. You love dinosaurs. It's in your (Dino) DNA. Stop being a f--king asshole.
That was a pretty big but. And even though I like those, and I can not lie, a wise man once said something I'll never forget: Hold on to your buts. I can't. Hell, I won't. So, let me break form for a change, and let go of all my buts. This is dedicated to not only the millions that apparently loved Jurassic World, but even those few a-holes (like me) that didn't.
We're sitting there...and it's clear, like, completely obvious, something has happened. Something has gone wrong. Eventually my mom comes storming back to us, furious. Apparently, the bathroom was out of paper towels, and when my mom questioned some hapless employee, (according to legend) the lady's answer was, So? If this is a movie, this is the part where you say out loud, Oh, bitch. You done f--ked up now.
Long story short(ish), my mom went apeshit, complained to someone, and ended up getting some Willy Wonka Golden Ticket-esque VIP Pass. We now were granted the ability to not wait in line on four (4) rides. But instead of signaling an employee and being quietly ushered past the rope, my mom dragged us through the entire line, jamming this f--king badge-thing in the face of thousands of angry tourists. It was the worst.
But also kind of awesome.
Looking back, I don't know why I had such a nerd-boner for this one headed in. Of course I liked the first one, but I think I was just a little too old when it came out to f--king love it (my younger brother Nikos wore out a VHS copy). The second one was dumb, but enjoyable, and the third one was a step up from that. But this fourth one? I don't know...I thought it was going to be really, really good. Like, Mad Max: Fury Road [review] good. Maybe even better.
Um, nope.
The idea of genetically-mutated dinosaurs seemed great on paper, and Starlord leading his Raptor Brigade on a dino-hunt via dirtbike appeared to have been plucked straight from the sticky pages of my Dream Journal. But as the film wore on, and yet another f--king moronic employee did something, well, f--king moronic...I began to think, f--k me. And f--k this. In fact, f--k everything. But...
...then I thought: m.brown! It's f--king dinosaurs. You love dinosaurs. It's in your (Dino) DNA. Stop being a f--king asshole.
That was a pretty big but. And even though I like those, and I can not lie, a wise man once said something I'll never forget: Hold on to your buts. I can't. Hell, I won't. So, let me break form for a change, and let go of all my buts. This is dedicated to not only the millions that apparently loved Jurassic World, but even those few a-holes (like me) that didn't.
Jurassic World sucked. It was, like, sooo bad. *flicks cigarette*
 |
| This raptor is actually the character I related to the most. |
Butttttttttttttt...
- Um, it has f--king dinosaurs in it. Like, a shit-ton of them.
- We get to see raptors in these weird head-trap contraptions. And they get totally pissed!
- Not only was Tour guide Lady hot, and British, but she totally gets killed in the best possible way. What's not to love?
- B.D. Wong is back. You can't not love B.D. Wong.
- Chris Pratt gets to fix his own motorcycle down by the river. He's sooo dreamy.
- They fed a shark to that giant water beast. Read that again. That sentence had not only 'shark' in it, but also 'giant water beast'. Those are two separate things!
- I'm pretty sure I saw Dr. Ian Malcom's book on Sarcasm Guy's desk. That has to count for something.
- Jimmy Fallon is in it. Everyone likes Jimmy Fallon.
- That glass ball scene, though entirely stupid, was pretty f--king awesome, right?
- Margarita Guy!
- Someone shoots a bazooka at a raptor. That has to be some sort of cinematic record for awesomeness.
- That scene where the raptors are chasing the truck! That one dives headfirst into the driver's side door? Brilliant!
- The score! It's pretty much the best music ever to watch dinosaurs to.
- There's a pretty lengthy battle between three (or four-ish) dinosaurs at the end. If you don't like that, you basically shouldn't be allowed outside. Or to live.
Jurassic World is the best movie ever! *attempts raptor noise*
Butttttttttttttttttttt...
- Holy shit that was a lot of in-movie advertising. After I finished my Blizzard at the Hilton, I was really pissed about that.
- Those two brothers were the worst. In fact, they were so annoying, I began to hope each was gored to death on the horns of a triceratops. Oh, and the third horn? Please drive it through my skull and/or balls. Little bro was either in science-nerd mode or full on hysterics. Big bro, when not brooding about his boner, was a total dick.
- What about the infinite number of unaccompanied 16 year old girls? I think we got it after the first 900.
- What about he two wiz-kids in the control room? Sarcasm Guy and the lady who looks like every co-manager at Old Navy. Those two couldn't head up operations at Wally World, let alone f--king Jurassic.
- Why was it essentially a re-telling of the first movie? But without Jeff Goldblum? This is acceptable?
- How do explain that possibly retarded security guard, who was somehow solely left in charge of the biggest f--king dinosaur on the planet?
- What about the broken glass they'll get around to fixing? A multi-million dollar amusement park where the f--king MAKE DINOSAURS, but window repair? Baffling!
- That guy that fell into the pen, you know, Popeye's son, someone actually wrote the character...and didn't change their mind. You're okay with this?
- You're really going to tell me that it makes sense that the most advanced military in the world has decided Raptors! We need Raptors! Oh, f--k off, D'Onofrio.
- This movie made Chris Pratt about as exciting as Harrison Ford. On talk shows. Seriously, Emmit from The Lego Movie [review] made more of impression on his co-workers than Pratt in JW.
- Was steer-dropping Guy eating a sandwich? This guy, actually might be the worst employee at JW, and that's like being the cruelest Nazi, or the most useless Kardashian. That shit's next level.
- You're really going to have a dinosaur that can camouflage itself? And you're also going to have the first guy to see this dinosaur yell exactly that? I wish I could make my disappointment really hard to see.
- It might be my eyes, but no bullshitting here, I actually thought the dinosaurs looked...faker.
- That scene where BDH rolls up her sleeves seemed straight out of a 1920's cartoon. I can play with the boys, see. I tells ya, I can!
- You can hear a giant dinosaur walk away...but you can't hear it walk back to you. Seems reasonable.
- They evacuate the whole park...to the street. Yep.
- Apparently they never feed the pterodactyls. There had to be a reason they devoured everything immediately.
- It turns to nighttime IN A F--KING INSTANT. This can't happen in a legitimate movie. Nope.
- We had to sit through dinosaurs talking to each other. Without subtitles (man, that would have been so rad).
- The ending, though awesome, actually made my brain hurt. Not only do you have BDH, in heels, outrunning a T-Rex, but this movie actually had the balls to make the slo-motion pahlawan shot the triumphant return...of a raptor. Just. F--k. Off.
Which is probably the same thing that Univeral employee was thinking about concerning my irate mother and the lack of paper towels. I mean, who gets upset about something so trivial and makes a big f--king deal about it?
Who would even bother?