I don't know if it's because I've now set my summer movie-loving sights on the upcoming Expendables sequel, or simply because I've spent too much time at the always awesome Comeuppance Reviews, but last night I felt compelled to fire up some (mindless) action. Though I've seen just about every Stallone and Schwarznegger flick ever, I'm not as dedicated to the second (and third?) tier guys. So, who did I turn to for a cinematic roundhouse to the face?
F--kin' Chuck Norris.
Forced Vengeance hit theaters in 1982. I don't know what audiences made of it then, but now it's pretty ridiculous. Chuck Norris has morphed into a bit of a sideshow in recent years (I put the blame on that Walker, Texas Ranger lever that Conan O'Brien had, though I don't know if that predates the 'facts' craze), but in his day he was pretty legit. Sure, he lacks any semblance of range but makes up for it with his no-nonsense style of ass kicking. Maybe other roles allow him to actually change expression, but in Forced Vengeance, Chuck's stuck on slightly disappointed. He'd prefer it if everybody would just be cool, but if bitches step out of line, Chuck's going to do something about it. He's all business, even when it gets personal.
The story is pretty standard. Norris plays Josh Randall, the muscle at a casino owned by his old friend/father figure, Sam. Sam's son, David, runs the day-to-day operations now that the old man has basically retired to a life of desk collecting and pool installations. Guess what? David's not the best at this job, and has got himself (and therefore, everyone) in some deep shit. He can get out if he sells the casino to some unsavory types, but guess what? His old man's not interested. Guess what else? Those unsavory types? Who knows why they ever ask in the first place, because those dudes are going to do whatever they want. And that's when Chuck getspissed involved. Oh, you done f--ked up now.
Before my silhouette gets spin-kicked to the face, I'm going to unleash my special move. On my knuckles, some spiked Yays. In my boot, I keep a couple of razor-sharp Boos. But I don't want any trouble. I just want to play cards. Or something.
F--kin' Chuck Norris.
Forced Vengeance hit theaters in 1982. I don't know what audiences made of it then, but now it's pretty ridiculous. Chuck Norris has morphed into a bit of a sideshow in recent years (I put the blame on that Walker, Texas Ranger lever that Conan O'Brien had, though I don't know if that predates the 'facts' craze), but in his day he was pretty legit. Sure, he lacks any semblance of range but makes up for it with his no-nonsense style of ass kicking. Maybe other roles allow him to actually change expression, but in Forced Vengeance, Chuck's stuck on slightly disappointed. He'd prefer it if everybody would just be cool, but if bitches step out of line, Chuck's going to do something about it. He's all business, even when it gets personal.
The story is pretty standard. Norris plays Josh Randall, the muscle at a casino owned by his old friend/father figure, Sam. Sam's son, David, runs the day-to-day operations now that the old man has basically retired to a life of desk collecting and pool installations. Guess what? David's not the best at this job, and has got himself (and therefore, everyone) in some deep shit. He can get out if he sells the casino to some unsavory types, but guess what? His old man's not interested. Guess what else? Those unsavory types? Who knows why they ever ask in the first place, because those dudes are going to do whatever they want. And that's when Chuck gets
Before my silhouette gets spin-kicked to the face, I'm going to unleash my special move. On my knuckles, some spiked Yays. In my boot, I keep a couple of razor-sharp Boos. But I don't want any trouble. I just want to play cards. Or something.
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| These guys literally come out of nowhere. |
Yaaaaaaaaaaay!
- There's a pool? Well, might as well kick someone into it.
- Flashback Norris doesn't have a mustache. You know, because it takes time to grow those.
- The guy who played Sam, the old man, was surprisingly solid. RIP, David Opatoshu.
- The score. It's overpowering. This thing can kick some ass. Say the wrong thing? SCORE! Right to the face.
- Chuck's ol' Nam buddy, Leroy. He was a solid guy. Until he gets f--ked up by Gigantic Asian Date Rapist (from here on out, GADR, for short).
- At one point, all of Hong Kong is looking for Norris and his two lovely ladies. So, random dudes will challenge him. One guy shows up and does his Nunchuk routine. Chuck shows him a pistol and it really dampens what was a rather enthusiastic performance on the 'chuks.
- There is the best slo-motion roof jump ever. And, you get to see it twice.
- Okay, this is probably a Boo, but it's just so awesomely terrible. Chuck provides a lot of voiceover work in this one. What's great, is that he barely moves his mouth when he speaks, you're never quite sure what the Hell is going on.
- In one fight, a toilet is removed from the floor and thrown. It's not a horse-throw, but it's pretty cool.
- And in that same fight? Chuck unleashes three, yes three, slo-motion moves. I thought one was the limit.
- And finally, the ending credits sequence. I don't know why this practice disappeared, but we get to see all of the great stunts again. Let's bring this back. Now.
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| Bravest man I ever knew was a homo-sexual. Ugh. |
Booooooooo!
- Isn't vengeance always forced?
- I did a 'bastard' tally and only hit five. Way too low.
- And I did a women's blouses torn open pre sexual assault tally and I hit two. Way too high.
- At a rival casino, Chuck swindles some a-holes in this hard-to-understand dice game. I think it's called Yahtzee.
- As a threat, Chuck holds a lighter to a guy. Tell him what he wants, damn it. He's got a lighter.
- This guy pictured above, is a real jerk. But my mom will be happy to know that the red shorts she lost in 1981 have finally been located.
- When Leroy gets his ass kicked by GADR, the finishing move is pretty much an overenthusiastic hug. I'm pretty sure my uncle Jack does this every family reunion and he has yet to snap any spines.
- The boss during the yacht level finishes himself in the most ridiculous fashion. He misses a kick and somehow ends up hanging himself. Damn it. This is a Yay, isn't it?
- And finally, this line. Sweet cheeks. You could have been a toasted marsh-mellow.