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It Is True. Bitches Are Liars.

I saw three very random things today.

When taking my son to the park, I saw a man lying on the ground. He looked as if he was carefully drinking from a puddle, but a moment later the truth was revealed. He was violently throwing up. Like, one hand on the ground supporting himself as the other was twisted-in-agony-kind-of throw up. A woman and a small girl watched him. I pretended not to. He then got up, had a sip of Powerade, and walked away. Later, many people unknowingly walked through that puddle. We did not.

On the way home from the park, I saw a woman get out of a car at a red light. She whipped open the back door and grabbed her purse. She then walked right through the intersection while flipping the bird no-look style to the befuddled driver. He lurched forward, and I thought he was going to run her down. She kept walking, shouted F--k you!, and kept her bird held high. My light changed and away I went.

And an hour later, I watched Casa de mi Padre. This, I can't describe.

Will Ferrell is a funny dude. When I saw the trailer for this Spanish-speaking feature, I thought it was going to be a kickass parody of telenovelas. Turns out, it isn't. At all. Despite dashes of goofiness here and there, this one plays it rather straight. I know, that's the joke. But aren't jokes funny?

Anyway, I was thrilled when I first picked this one up and saw that it was 84 minutes. That's beautiful, and easily finished while my son naps (wait til you have kids, you'll see). Turns out, you feel every one of those 84 minutes, as this movie isn't in a hurry to get anywhere. Drop the opening James Bond-style intro song and the weird campfire sing-a-long, and you're probably looking at 75 minutes tops. Not bad, but I'm not sure if it's good either.

Once you get past a gigantic white man playing a Mexican rancher, the story unfolds rather easily. Armando (Ferrell), is the simple son striving for his father's approval. His brother Raul (Diego Luna) shows up, and dashes any chance of that. Raul complicates things further, as he brings an incredibly hot girl with him, Sophia (newcomer Genesis Rodriguez), whom he plans to marry.


Okay, nobody cares - gotcha. Is it funny? Not really. Sure, I smiled here and there, but there are very few laugh out loud moments (if any). All the humor is taken out of the overwhelming abundance of absurdity. It's not really in what they say or do, like in Anchorman, for example, but more in how it's all presented. Bad edits to end scenes (as if they edited in-camera), obviously painted backgrounds, and a heavy reliance on fake animals as props make up much of the laughs. Its' charming in a way, but whether it actually makes you laugh? Lo siento, no estoy seguro.

I've got another idea that's so crazy it just might work. It's called the Yays and Boos. Here's the breakdown, jilted-lovers-and-guys-with-eye-patches style.

If this looks like the set of a high school play, it's probably because it is.
 Yaaaaaay!
  • If the cinematic world gets anything out of this flick, it's Genesis Rodriguez, hands down.
  • Violence! The two shootouts are so gratuitous, it's great. They're well-staged, too.
  • I think we have a record for ass-play. Bare ass-play, at that. 
  • Speaking of the sex-scene, the music was appropriately awesome, too.
  • The note that is presented to the audience during the climactic animal battle is very funny. The director made me write that.
  • And finally, though this may be a vanity project, I admire the cajones that Will Ferrell has for making this project happen. It may be considered a failure in most circles, but give it up for getting shit done. Weird shit, but still.
 Booooooo!
  • Esmeralda, the super-hot maid. Do I even have to explain why I would boo someone that is super-hot? And a maid? I do? Well, you must be new around here, huh?
  • The laughing too long bit wasn't funny. Either time.
  • Young Armando is the worst shot ever.
  • Now this whole project is an overindulgence, but Ferrell getting multiple musical numbers? Hmm.
  • His weird vision was just that. What's up with all the shattering babies?
  • And what the Hell was going on during and after the credits? I imagine people in the theater just looked at each other sadly. Then everyone started hugging out of condolence.
  • And yes, the overall lack of laughs. This should have been played seriously camp, but instead it was too straight. This is like one of those SNL sketches that isn't funny, but goes on long enough where it's creepiness almost strays into comedic territory. Almost.
BOTTOM LINE: This movie is probably for die-hard Ferrell fans or lazy Spanish teachers looking to get fired. Niche, to say the least.

Well, the day is almost over and the family and I watched another movie, this time one my wife chose. If the theme of the day is that of complete randomness, well....we have a winner. I'll see you tomorrow with that one. Enjoy your midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises, you young bastards.

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