The Super Bowl is in less than two hours. If the Giants win, I will be devastated. I will get some fireworks, a samurai sword, a barely-understandable British teenager and get on my bicycle and I will exact my revenge. Now this wouldn't be the first time this plan was put into action. But, um,
probably the second...
Attack the Block may have come out of nowhere when it was released last year, but seeing it at this point, there was plenty of hype. Aliens, badass kids with swords, and the mere mention of
Shaun of the Dead was enough to redirect all movie-geek blood flow to the
crotchal region. Yikes.
 |
| Is there a person alive that doesn't love a good tracking shot |
The movie begins on a firework-filled night in some sketchy part of the U.K. My first question,
what the Hell are they celebrating? My sister joked that it was the 5th of November. Yes, apparently watching
V for Vendetta lets you know everything worth knowing about British culture. Phew, glad I saw that one. Anyway, moments later something mysterious lands, and from there, the movie simply doesn't let up.
My next question, came minutes later.
What would I do if I was attacked by an alien? Hopefully, I would gain fantastic alien powers like in
District 9, but most likely would opt for running away and dying in the parking lot of a gas station. One of those two. What likely, wouldn't have crossed my mind is
revenge.
 |
| If I'm going to get bit anywhere, this spot is on the list. |
Shockingly, jumping the shit out of this alien invader and parading his lifeless body around like it's an extension of your mammoth wang isn't a solid plan. In fact, that's going to really piss off/sexually arouse a whole race of glowing-toothed gorilla bears. And that ain't all peachy, is it guv'na?
Let's head to the
Yays and
Boos,
C'mon frickin' Patriots style.  |
| You might call him Nick Frost. I just go with Dad. |
Yaaaaaaay!
- The violence, though relatively brief, is top-notch.
- Aliens. They are so f--king cool.
- Brit slang: Swear down. Allow it.
- You gotta dig Mayhem and Probs. Those two were badass little punks.
- Love a good gearing up scene. I'm getting a sword. Hold up. I'm getting a bigger sword.
- I love when henchman get sent into the worst situation by the crazy, drugged-out boss guy. So awesome.
- How most problems could be avoided by just going home and playing FIFA.I think my last copy was for the Genesis. No wait, Sega CD.
 |
| Moses, brother! Can you hear that? |
Booo!
- Dude throws a firework-bomb with Brady-like accuracy!
- Speaking of heroics, the end is a little, um, f--king absurd. I know, nitpicking in an alien invasion movie about realism is super lame, but I'm still throwing a boo it's way.
- Sometimes, I really had no idea what anybody was saying. Shat on a turtle!
Okay. Under an hour. Sorry, I phoned it in. Hopefully the Giants do, too.
