Who was your favorite member of the team, Dad?
Who's on that giant sticker you slapped all over your laptop?
What do you think I should dress up for next Halloween, dearest husband?
Why won't the DCEU just go away forever already?
And...
...why are you looking at me like that? I just want to go to sleep. I have a headache.
Obviously, Wonder Woman is the answer to each of the above (mostly non-fictional) questions, and also the reason I have already seen Justice League twice in its first week of release. Oh, I got the memo I'm supposed to hate the shit out of this movie (and essentially the entirety of the DCEU), but I'm simply going to reject that logic. In fact, I'm going to reject all logic. And you should too. This is a (comic book!) movie, for f--k's sake, about people with superpowers (well, most of 'em) fighting something that looks like Benedict Cumberbatch had an insane three-way with an armored goat and a CGI tree. Eat your popcorn, watch things go boom, and chill the f--k out. And if you're still not enjoying yourself? Wonder Woman.
Remember when Batman killed Superman? Me neither. But apparently he did and the world has become an extra shitty place (though, let's be honest, living in fictional Gotham and Metropolis where hope doesn't exist still seems better than say, I don't know, actual America). Good thing Bruce Wayne has a plan, and that plan involves forming a team of superheroes, which he will presumably lead. The catch? Bruce is the weakest member of the team, moving with the grace of a wounded snowman.
See, none of this shit makes any damn sense, but I'm convinced it doesn't need to. The world/some remote Russian town (poor Sokovia) is going to die because an age-old power has been ignited and as a result, angry tunnels (roots? penis veins?) and zombie-mosquito men with frickin' laser beams are running amok and uh, destroying the planet. Naturally the solution is to gather four-ish iconic characters (I guess the Lanterns don't get cell reception in Oa), get them to don their totally rad/impractical suits, create the most fragile of alliances, and save the f--king day. Yep.
[It was ridiculous before you got to the theater, and after seeing it, now you want to get upset? Are you really that much of a joyless dickface? ]
But guess what? That plan is actually really f--king terrible, so our foursome cook up something infinitely f--king cooler. They want to bring Superman back to life using just a smidge of that badass power, cross their fingers that he'll be cool with everybody (especially the prick that killed him), and have him save the f--king day. Um, I ran the numbers. That's f--king brilliant.
Look, I don't really care if you think this movie sucks a flaming bag of Kryptonite dildos, if you have signed the petition to see Snyder's cut (in arterial goat blood), or actually enjoyed the f--ker (despite its countless flaws) like I did. It doesn't matter to me in the least. Yes, I'm about to nitpick the Hell out of this motherf--ker, which essentially negates everything I'm saying about calming the f--k down, but I'm not taking any of this seriously. And honestly, leaving flaming bags of poo on this flick's doorstep is part of the fun.
Oh, and don't even bother bringing up Marvel movies, because let's be honest with ourselves, they're not great films by any stretch. Outside of Logan [review], which was a masterpiece of this (or any?) genre, every one of these flicks more or less has the same strengths and the same weaknesses. Great action, good jokes and a lousy villain. And last I checked, Wonder Woman wasn't in the MCU, so you're going to lose this argument with me even before you begin.
Speaking of losing (pointless) arguments, here are the Yays and Boos. And the Dianas. Why would I add a new category for Justice League? Uh, haven't we covered this already?
Holy shit. This might be the longest post I've ever written. What's weird, as inspired as I was, and as long as I spent working on it, I feel like I should apologize or something.
Not to you, silly. To my wife, Kim.
Or as she's known around these parts...
...the real wonder woman.
Who's on that giant sticker you slapped all over your laptop?
What do you think I should dress up for next Halloween, dearest husband?
Why won't the DCEU just go away forever already?
And...
...why are you looking at me like that? I just want to go to sleep. I have a headache.
Remember when Batman killed Superman? Me neither. But apparently he did and the world has become an extra shitty place (though, let's be honest, living in fictional Gotham and Metropolis where hope doesn't exist still seems better than say, I don't know, actual America). Good thing Bruce Wayne has a plan, and that plan involves forming a team of superheroes, which he will presumably lead. The catch? Bruce is the weakest member of the team, moving with the grace of a wounded snowman.
See, none of this shit makes any damn sense, but I'm convinced it doesn't need to. The world/some remote Russian town (poor Sokovia) is going to die because an age-old power has been ignited and as a result, angry tunnels (roots? penis veins?) and zombie-mosquito men with frickin' laser beams are running amok and uh, destroying the planet. Naturally the solution is to gather four-ish iconic characters (I guess the Lanterns don't get cell reception in Oa), get them to don their totally rad/impractical suits, create the most fragile of alliances, and save the f--king day. Yep.
[It was ridiculous before you got to the theater, and after seeing it, now you want to get upset? Are you really that much of a joyless dickface? ]
 |
| Let me get this straight, you're powerful enough to teleport um, anywhere in the universe...but when you're looking for a shoebox full of cocaine... you have to interrogate science-lab custodians like Andy f--king Sipowicz? |
But guess what? That plan is actually really f--king terrible, so our foursome cook up something infinitely f--king cooler. They want to bring Superman back to life using just a smidge of that badass power, cross their fingers that he'll be cool with everybody (especially the prick that killed him), and have him save the f--king day. Um, I ran the numbers. That's f--king brilliant.
 |
| Remember that scene when Aquaman visits a theater in Poland? Me neither. (But I heard it's in the Snyder Cut) |
Speaking of losing (pointless) arguments, here are the Yays and Boos. And the Dianas. Why would I add a new category for Justice League? Uh, haven't we covered this already?
 |
| Did you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? No? How about just stand around and talk to Jim Gordon in it instead? |
Yaaaaaa...
...aaaaaay!
- Did you ever fight a hippo?
- Maybe I'm alone on this one, but I kinda dug that Everybody Knows song they played over the largest funeral ever (especially when it's cranked to eleven).
- So, The Flash is like, super-fast and super-smart, right? Well, no shit. I mean, his dad is both Steve Prefontaine and Dr. Manhattan for f--k's sake! Wait til he finds out his grandfather is Edward Bloom.
- Diane Lane talking about cougars? Subtle.
- The contest for best scene is fierce, but basically any moment in Themyscira is the greatest thing ever. The whole protect the box five minutes is unbelievably rad. You've got these jacked women swinging hammers into tunnel supports, horses getting body checked left and right, and lassos and arrows flying all over the damn place. And that sound you hear in the background? That's the air leaving my body.
- Whoa, and that epic battle back in the day with Steppenwolf? Quite the magical carpet ride, am I right? Not only were the Lanterns there, but I'm pretty sure I saw Leonidas throwing a lightning bolt at someone.
- Three questions: Was that Amber Heard in Atlantis? Really? And why are my pants soaked, when I wasn't even underwater?
- While we're knee-deep in our own juices, let us put our clammy hands together for Aquaman. I always imagined this dude to be kind of a dork based on the old comics. But here? With Jason Mamoa riding the invisible seahorse? He's anything but. I'm not sure where a badass hombre who lives underwater develops a love for booze, leather and pectoral muscles that could sink the Titanic, but uh, I ain't gonna argue with any of it. Well, not here anyway...and not when Margaret's computer still works.
- Barry tipping the sword. If you weren't smiling like a jerk during that moment, please, return to your porch and yell at the kids walking by. They need you more than we do.
- Speaking of Barry, how about that look he and Superman exchange when Supes is um, not so thrilled to join the team? I honestly don't know whose face I enjoyed more at that moment. Oh, right. Wonder Woman's.
- I don't know why some people leave the theater early, but that second stinger was pretty frickin' rad. At least it was on opening night. At this point, it seems kind of foolish teasing something that probably won't ever happen...but at that moment? I was so f--king in.
- And finally, and I can't believe I'm typing these words, but Superman was f--king awesome. Like, beyond cool. I know, right? I've always thought he was the lamest superhero ever (despite being the strongest) for one reason or another, but Henry Cavill owned this movie. Not like, entirely, mind you, but enough to make me a legit fan of the character (and the performance). I'd say he was my favorite part of Justice League...
But...
 |
| I'm honestly not sure which one is more statuesque. |
Dianaaaaaa!
- From the second she appears on screen, Gal Gadot totally demands your attention. That little bit of her score? It's like the sound of the world being a better place.
- And it's silly, but I love how instead of going after the guy with the gun, the one guy, she instead opts for blocking the nine hundred bullets he fires instead.
- My goodness, I'm still trying to regain basic motor functions from that scene on the (most abandoned) street where she meets Cyborg. I'm not sure if it's cool that Diana is dressed like the most expensive hooker in the history of time, not at all, but if she's good with that wardrobe decision...well, damn. Who am I to argue? I probably couldn't form rationale thoughts in her defense anyway...
- Girl, using the lasso of truth on Aquaman was the greatest shit ever. I had no idea what was going on there for a second...but I knew I loved it. I'd volunteer to go next with being tied up by Diana, but I'm not sure anybody wants to hear exactly what I'm thinking.
- Aquaman? Pretty tough dude. But...guess who saves his ass? Yep.
- And finally, I'm not even trying to joke around here, but how in the Hell have I arrived at a place in my life where Wonder Woman is my favorite superhero? Okay, yes, she's beautiful - there's that. But I swear, it's more than that. I like, genuinely dig everything about her character. Really. As badass as she is, she's equally considerate and compassionate. And if you talk some shit about her (dead) man, she might just toss you around like the gloomy bitch that you are.(and yes, I realize I sound like a high school sophomore talking about the new girl in homeroom, but screw you guys) Uh oh...this is starting to sound like a...
 |
| What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other? What will we do? |
Boooooooooooo
..oooooooooooo!
..oooooooooooo!
- The mosquito-zombies are the worst. When you kill one, they leave box stains on the wall. Um, okay. But somehow even more terrible? They hate the sound of police cars. And they invade Gotham. Which is a crime-riddled shit hole.
- Aw, Superman's dead. That sucks. Good thing we've got all these CGI banners to mourn the loss with.
- Prince? Bowie? Too soon. (and Men In Black made a similar joke twenty years ago, dammit)
- Hey, Bruce. That remote village where you're going to find Aquaman? Maybe you could get to it without scaling a 9,000 foot mountain first. Was the Bat-kayak in for repairs?
- Aquaman is a bad motherf--ker, right? Right? Too bad his swim away move looks like something Michael Phelps would do if he jumped in the pool mid-diarrhea.
- I get it Janitor Guy, I do. I hate my job, too. But pretending to mop a floor comprised of interlocking grates? That's just wrong. Couldn't you just use the bathroom ten times a day like the rest of us?
- Lois, rightfully so, is a wreck. Amy Adams looks really, really sad...about losing her allergy medication.
- Even if he looks like Apollo Creed's son had sex with The Terminator, I totally dug Cyborg. I'm not sure how effective he could actually be, you know, when he hears every conversation taking place on Earth simultaneously.
- Uh, Man? I don't know much about Motherboxes, but I'm pretty sure if you want to keep something hidden forever, you should probably bury it more than four feet deep in the ground. But at least you didn't just leave it on a f--king police car.
- Did Alfred just admit he needs to get laid, or was that somewhat random comment directed at Master Wayne?
- Hey, badass Atlantians. Maybe we could hire more than two dudes to protect a third of the Earth's power? Or like, summon a bunch of piranhas. Maybe a super pissed off dolphin or two...
- Speaking of the boxes, They don't contain power. They are power. What? That's like saying this sandwich isn't made of bread, it is bread.
- Not only does Batman have possibly the largest stick in his ass ever, but he's seriously not even trying. TEAM: Let's all attack Steppenwolf at the same time. BRUCE: What's that? Fight one mosquito zombie in the corner? ON IT.
- We're we supposed to give a f--k about that Russian family? Because I didn't. I was actively rooting against them. Seriously. I was hoping that that little girl would spray the bug spray directly into her father's eyes, and he'd inadvertently go door-to-door and shoot every citizen in that town in the face.
- Which would have spared us that entirely nonsensical scene where Flash pushes their rickety pickup truck at warp speed and no child flies out of the f--king cab.
- Let's just address the elephant in the room, shall we? Batman's problematic eye-makeup.
- I think Lois needs to get her money back from the funeral home that handled Clark's arrangements. Not only did those f--kers make the lower third of his face look like they removed his beard with a computer, but they also buried him without a shirt on. (oh, and I realize this is a Yay for the ladies...and the gay part of my wiener)
- Imagine you're a cop, and you've just seen Superman come back from the dead. A second later, you see him absolutely destroying four of the strongest people alive. Your play? Aim your pistol at him.
- Can Superman give Lois a hug? No, really. Imagine the level of concentration it must take not to fold her in half like an old beach towel.
- Diana and Bruce have a drink together. Really? Which is the twelve steps is that, again?
- Fun fact: when you separate the three motherboxes, you create Loompaland.
- Why the Hell did J.K. Simmons get so f--king jacked for this movie? Tell me there's a scene in Snyder's cut where he not only rips off his sleeves, but then the heads of 900 mosquito zombies. Also, if this is indeed the case, tell me where I can get some goat blood. Arterial, if they have it.
- Batman v. Superman? More like Batman loves Superman. There were a couple of moments in there, I'm pretty sure I saw Batman scribbling on his Trapper Keeper B + S and then drawing a huge heart around it.
- And finally, am I crazy, or did they not actually kill Steppenwolf in the end? Oh, they punched the f--k out of him, sure, but if I remember correctly, he just shits his pants or something (that's the fear they're smelling, right?) and sparkles back to the Rainbow Road level in Mario Kart. I don't really care either way, honestly. They could hastily say he died on the way back to his home planet for all I care, as long as we never see his horrible face again.
Not to you, silly. To my wife, Kim.
Or as she's known around these parts...
...the real wonder woman.