The things we do in the middle of the night.
Sometimes we regret them in the morning, but sometimes...they change our lives forever.
Six years ago tonight, was born in the darkest of dark alleys. It was an unremarkable delivery, with a hairy little post barely making a sound upon its arrival into the world. It weighed in at a mere 270 words, and sadly, it looked just like its father.
Unfortunately, no one was present to see it. Luckily, times have certainly changed.
While we're trying not to separate anything patting ourselves on the back, this is the one night a year that I reflect on the year that was. Sure, it's a bit of a (douchey) tradition (check out TDC's first, second, third, fourth and fifth birthdays), but a party's still a party. Even if you throw it for yourself.
Alright, let's cut the shit, shall we? In the last twelve months of this blog, the following thirteen (yes, thirteen...f--ker) films were my favorite. And yes, Observant Reader, I didn't say best. Oh, and don't stress too much about the order, okay? We're six years old, for f--k's sake. We're not really paying attention to anything.
- Hunt for the Wilderpeople - I'm not sure what's more surprising, that this was my favorite film of the year, or that Dr. Alan Grant himself read (and quoted!) my review.
- Logan - I'm not sure there will ever be a better superhero movie. And if there is, well, I'll likely die during it. It wasn't me. But it was, Logan. You totally f--king killed me.
- Hell or High Water - You could put Ben Foster in an asscream commercial and I'd consider it great cinema. But put him in great cinema? Yeah, I'm gonna need some asscream.
- La La Land - There is no finer example of what it feels like to be in love in your twenties.
- The Nice Guys - I'm still laughing at what Gosling did here. Holy shit, this flick's dicks are hysterical.
- Manchester by the Sea - I can't beat it. F--k me, neither could I. Just...devastating. Absolutely tore my heart out.
- The Handmaiden - Nothing this f--ked up has ever looked so beautiful. Masterful top to bottom.
- Hacksaw Ridge - I know, I know. You f--ker's hated this one. But me? I love stories about good people doing great things. I'm just weird that way...(that's sarcasm you heartless prick).
- Train to Busan - I'm still torn up about the Big Dude, you know? F--k me, this one was intense.
- Don't Breathe - Pretty sure at the end of this one, my wife wanted to tie me up in the basement and...well...nevermind. Let's just say she was pissed I dragged her to something that scared her to death. Repeatedly.
- Sully - This one rattled me, to be honest with you. I had to function as an adult moments after, and I could hardly keep it together.
- The Purge: Election Year - Easily my favorite documentary of 2016!
- Trolls - Even if I didn't flat-out enjoy this film, it still makes the list for basically being a time-capsule into about six months of my daughter's life. Yeah, she's moved on since then...but Branch and Poppy will live forever.
And now for something completely different, here are the the thirteen films that made me wish that instead of writing about movies, I blogged about every time I got kicked square in the balls. I mean, at least when you take a nut-shot, for a split second...someone's touching your junk, you know?
- Suicide Squad - Whenever I think about Enchantress, I secretly hope a homeless sewer-witch would cast a spell rendering me unable to see or hear anything ever again.
- The Secret Life of Pets - F--k it, I'm telling everyone how amazingly shitty this kid's flick is.
- The Angry Birds Movie - This one is actually worse that Pets, but the catch? I knew it would be.
- Silent Hill - I went to great lengths to watch this steaming pile of dogshit. Okay, fine. I just spent three bucks and pushed play, but still. F--k this town and everyone in it.
- Independence Day: Resurgence - My older brother and I see each other once a year. Seeing this movie with him, makes me think that once is more than enough.
- Sausage Party - Actual sausage parties are more fun than this one.
- Lights Out - If only the theater had gone dark.
- Sing - Okay, there were some good animated movies this year...a lot of them actually. But the bad ones were f--king terrible. I had my hand up like Simon Cowell the entire time. Next!
- The Girl on the Train - F--k the girl. F--k the train. F--k me.
- Blair Witch - Hey, here's an idea. Let's go out into the woods and film m.brown's soul dying.
- Killer Mermaid - Shitty movies are supposed to be shitty. But, like, cool shitty. Not, you know, actually shitty. Where's a dick-eating Flounder when you need him?
- The Meddler - I think Susan Surandon's character is still talking. Let us never verify this.
- Lotus Eyes - I hate to dog a super-indie flick, but as our feature at a film festival...this one was rough.
This blog wouldn't have made it this far if it weren't for a few stellar individuals who have routinely supported all things . I've named names in previous posts, and for the most part, all of those fine individuals (and their brilliant blogs) still frequent this trainwreck, but I just want you to know, all self-congratulatory bullshit aside, you have changed my life forever.
And we didn't even do anything in the middle of the night.
(or did we? I'm not exactly great with time zones...)
And we didn't even do anything in the middle of the night.
(or did we? I'm not exactly great with time zones...)