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A special thanks to my wife (and her boobs) for making this rad banner. |
I resurrected
The Mt. Rushmore of Movies as a way to once again share something with the fantastic group of bloggers I write with (and frankly,
for). Three years ago, I wanted to pay tribute to them with a monument built to being a
clutch neighbor. Those fellow bloggers, in my mind, were the cinematic equivalent of people who would undoubtedly
lend you a cup of sugar (that sounds waaaaaay dirtier than it should), and I wanted to gaji that bond. To this day, I truly value them because they inspire me to keep going when I think I should just pack it in. Hell, sometimes it's feels like I borderline
love them
.
[insert
Happy Days studio-audience style
Awwww...]
But while they
might be loved, this year's monument is well, erected, for something I have always loved and
will always love.
Boobs. Wow. You're still here? Well, then. Let's proceed.
While it would have been easy/totally f--king impossible to simply go with the four sweetest racks in movie history, I have decided my monument is truly a monument for everyone. Man, woman and even beast, can all get out of a rusty Winnebago and take a deep breath at the sexy glory that is
The Mt. Rushmore of Boobs. Not only are the four cemented figures
legends in their own right, but each is representative of an entire genre of jugs, a treasure trove of ta-tas,
a menagerie of melons, if you will.
Now, please,
watch your step. And also where you point that thing, goodness.
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| Three hands? I wish I had two faces. |
1.
Mary, the three-breasted hooker from Total Recall (1990). While maybe an unorthodox selection, this fine lady of the evening is legendary in boob history. Not only was she one of the first topless women I, uh,
recall (hi-five, anyone? Anyone?), she also has 50 percent more titties than anyone walking this or any other planet. Her inclusion is an ode to all
the boobs we're not sure we should be looking at, but can't seem to turn away from, either.
See Also: the hottest dead lady ever in
Thir13en Ghosts, or any sexy humanoid girl from galaxies far, far away.
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| Uh, for you to take your top off. Patiently. |
2.
Julie, I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997). I graduated high school in 1997, so these are breasts I hold very close to my...pants. I don't really recall much about Julie's plight against that angry longshoreman, but I can vividly remember all the low-cut tops and incessant jiggling that rode shotgun to her struggles. Honestly, it's hard to care about yet another senseless death of one of her good friends, when all I'm thinking about is murdering my wiener as soon as the movie's over. Julie, and to a great extent the actress who played her, Jennifer Love Hewitt, is to be enshrined in my mountain to represent all
the boobs you hope to actually see, but never are given the chance to.
See Also: Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, and other 'classy' ladies.
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| No argument here. |
3.
Isabelle, The Dreamers (2003). I actually have little memory of anything about this film (though I promised my then-girlfriend,
It's supposed to be good!), other than the fact that this French woman I'd never seen before was seemingly naked
all the time. And while some of the nude scenes were less than savory, Eva Green's amazing body was the direct opposite. Her impressive (and all-natural) breasts, are quite literally
top shelf and deserve their place on this, or frankly
any monument. Green is the pinnacle of mainstream boobage, and seems damn near determined to
unleash the hounds. Her inclusion is a nod to the
actresses who seem to enjoy showing their boobs in film. I know, I know,
it's essential to the story - right. Yeah, and my pants
fell off on their own accord. See Also: Anne Hathaway, Angelina Jolie, Kate Winslet and for you old-schoolers, Shannon Tweed.
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| They're called boobs, Ed. |
4.
Robert 'Bob' Paulson, Fight Club (1999). Since I know some of you ladies like an ample chest as much as the next guy, I figured you lovely individuals should have a better reason to step outside at the Mt. Rushmore of Boobs, other than to s
tretch your legs. Now, look, I understand you'd probably like a little more muscle, a little less mammory, than Big Bob's bitch-tits, but these hooters are truly legendary. Sure, I could have went with that time when Chris Evans came out of the machine as
Captain America, or Daniel Craig skulking about in those blue nut-huggers in
Casino Royale, but I feel like Bob's sweet bosom should be preserved forever. I mean,
he had a name! for f--k's sake. Bob represents (
man) boobs we can all admire (in public!) in something other than a rated-R movie.
See Also: Hugh Jackman, that one time Jake Gyllenhaal got all roided up, and Mark Wahlberg. Thank you so much for reading, and an even bigger, sweatier thanks to all those great blogs/writers who participated! I hope we're still friends,
ladies (I'm going to assume Dell and I are still cool). Be sure to come back tomorrow, to see what
intelligent people wrote. We've got some really great entries, like the aforementioned boobs, to celebrate. - m.brown
