The summer of 1999 was over seventeen years ago.
Back then, the twenty year-old version of myself didn't have a wife and kids to worry about. Nor did that handsome bastard have a career to waste seven and half hours a day on (I consider lunch to be rather productive). He didn't even have a home, really, as when he wasn't moving into or out of a dorm room, he slept in his little brother's bedroom (subsequently relegating that punk to the den).
However, that twenty year-old kid and I aren't all that different. I'm still obsessed with seeing as many new movies as a can, still get quietly giddy at the thought of going to the movies. And I'm still hopelessly willing to give a film a chance whether it's hyped as the next big thing, or a boring rehash of the same old shit.
Oh, and when it comes to movies, yeah, I'm still not scared of bundles of f--king sticks.
What the f--k, Blair Witch? Don't you know how this sequel thing goes? You're supposed to shit the bed of the original by deviating from what the made the first one good, not to ruin it by doing the same f--king thing again. That's what remakes are for, silly goose! (And f--k you if you think you can do both at the same time, 'cause that shit's impossible...ish. [I'm still not sure what to make of Evil Dead II, honestly...]).
Just like last time, the film is comprised of the found footage left behind by some nosy f--king college kids, who had headed into some Maryland woods looking for a mysterious witch. While in the original we had three annoying a-holes to account for, like any shitty sequel, we're gonna go bigger and double that number to six. Now we get to pitch our tents with White Guy and White Girl, Black Couple, and the impossibly stupid duo, Local F--kwads, They probably have names, but by the end of another eighty-plus minutes of running and heavy breathing, you definitely won't care what they were.
But just in case you do, or will, here's what else you need to know: White Guy's sister was that girl with the runny nose in the first one, and some recent footage has been posted online showing her reflection in a bathroom mirror. White Guy was little when his sister (Heather?) disappeared in the woods, so of course it makes sense that he heads back into the same ones to find her. Now, if say my brother had supposedly died while riding a go-kart down the wrong way of an interstate, I probably wouldn't pull the same move to go find him. But White Guy doesn't roll that way. Nope. He decides that not only must he go into the scary woods to find her twenty years later, but that, yes, he's totally going to film it, too. It worked out so well the first time....
Obviously, as the lone guy in 1999 who thought the first one sucked big, floppy donkey dick, the odds weren't exactly in the favor of me enjoying this updated version. But as hype worked against my potential boner for the original, any real anticipation for this one was rendered flaccid and unused by the box-office nose dive Blair Witch took in the fall of 2016. Like these damn culturally diverse hipsters, I went into these woods hoping for a good time, but came out staring at the wall and hoping for a merciful death. Yep, just like before, there are flashes of a good time, but in the end, it all amounts to two things, jack and shit.
Which oddly enough, are the nicknames for the Yays and Boos. Who knew?
It's safe to say that I'm not a fan of all things Blair Witch, regardless of the year (oh, and f--k that sequel that came out in 2000), but no matter how terrible this or the original turned out to be, they can't sully the memory of 1999. Hell, I'm still quoting my favorites...over seventeen years later.
What's strange, is that maybe, just maybe, there's some twenty year-old kid out there, who's going to obsess over the films of 2016, and hold all future releases against them. Poor bastard. Not only is that a terrible idea to begin with...
...but it's already been done.
Better.
Back then, the twenty year-old version of myself didn't have a wife and kids to worry about. Nor did that handsome bastard have a career to waste seven and half hours a day on (I consider lunch to be rather productive). He didn't even have a home, really, as when he wasn't moving into or out of a dorm room, he slept in his little brother's bedroom (subsequently relegating that punk to the den).
However, that twenty year-old kid and I aren't all that different. I'm still obsessed with seeing as many new movies as a can, still get quietly giddy at the thought of going to the movies. And I'm still hopelessly willing to give a film a chance whether it's hyped as the next big thing, or a boring rehash of the same old shit.
Oh, and when it comes to movies, yeah, I'm still not scared of bundles of f--king sticks.
 |
| And you're boring, and you're totally ordinary, and you know it. |
Just like last time, the film is comprised of the found footage left behind by some nosy f--king college kids, who had headed into some Maryland woods looking for a mysterious witch. While in the original we had three annoying a-holes to account for, like any shitty sequel, we're gonna go bigger and double that number to six. Now we get to pitch our tents with White Guy and White Girl, Black Couple, and the impossibly stupid duo, Local F--kwads, They probably have names, but by the end of another eighty-plus minutes of running and heavy breathing, you definitely won't care what they were.
But just in case you do, or will, here's what else you need to know: White Guy's sister was that girl with the runny nose in the first one, and some recent footage has been posted online showing her reflection in a bathroom mirror. White Guy was little when his sister (Heather?) disappeared in the woods, so of course it makes sense that he heads back into the same ones to find her. Now, if say my brother had supposedly died while riding a go-kart down the wrong way of an interstate, I probably wouldn't pull the same move to go find him. But White Guy doesn't roll that way. Nope. He decides that not only must he go into the scary woods to find her twenty years later, but that, yes, he's totally going to film it, too. It worked out so well the first time....
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| Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. |
Which oddly enough, are the nicknames for the Yays and Boos. Who knew?
 |
| I see dead people. |
Yaaaaaaay!
- So...everyone is like, way hotter this time around, right? Well, except the dudes.
- Never thought I'd admit to loving a drone, but that the captured forest footage was pretty f--king rad (though, I thought drones were only really appropriate for killing innocent people and for photographing celebs genitals).
- When one of the six goes missing there's a vote to whether or not to search for that person. The result is such a resounding no f--king way I had to smile. Common sense is alive!
- Further proof of (momentary) good judgement? When the stick things show up. What's this? Creepy satanic stick bundles? PACK IT UP!
- You know in pretty much every horror movie, how that one character inadvertently hurts themselves and ends up laid up (and a huge f--king burden to boot)? Well, we get that here, too. The reason I'm applauding this? Welp, it's quite a f--king injury...eventually.
- The House! I know, I shouldn't have been so excited to see that dilapidated piece of shit, but it was like seeing an old friend from college...that I f--king hated, sure...but college, right? That was fun, huh?
- And finally, one of the more recent innovations in horror films that I love is the camera flash as the only source of light. Oh, that shit's my favorite. But almost as cool? Incessantly slapping a flashlight to make it work...for a second. We've all been there, and it's the f--king worst!
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| Yes, this is horrible, this idea. |
Booooooooooo!
- Let's just lock this in: White Guy heads to the scary woods because she could still be there. Twenty years later. Um, if you say so, brother.
- The rival documentary filmmakers are the worst. Not only is their house a dump, but they're shady as f--k, too.
- Dude, Black Guy? This dude is a dick. I'd say a big one, but for some reason...that seems inappropriate.
- I'm not sure what's more frustrating, trying (and failing) to pitch a tent, or the fact that someone stood by and filmed trying to pitch a tent.
- One of the Local F--kwads, Lane, looks like a homeless version of Billy Joe Armstrong. Makes sense, actually, as this whole movie is Dookie.
- So, about 40% of this movie is totally incomprehensible, right? Maybe more. But I'm pretty sure a tree falls on someone (which should be awesome). But there's two Boos on that one. 1) Dude, how turned around do you have to be to not see a tree coming? 2) Fine. The dumb kid doesn't see it coming? But the dumb audience? They should get to see it coming.
- Look, I can hear my kids on the other side of a crowded Target. These f--kers? They take two steps in the isolated woodlands and they're instantly out of earshot. The f--k is this? I'm sorry. I said, THE F--K IS THIS!!!??
- The kids set up a rad night-vision camera that is focused on the outside of their tent(s), you know, to record any funny business in the middle of the night. Again, two Boos. 1) No funny business happens at all. 2) No funny business happens at all. Oh, one of those should read dirty sex. My bad.
- Oh really? The girl with the thing growing out of her ankle is going to climb a 900 foot tree? No, no. Carry on. With that retarded plan.
- Maybe it was scary in the theater, but the fact that on more than one occasion someone leaps in front of the camera for no apparent reason was all kinds of annoying. I'd think it would be unwise to scare one of your friends in the middle of a witch-hunt, you know? Could someone put a frickin' bell on him or something?
- And finally, what the f--k was with the ending? Was that the witch or a sexy lady alien looking for a good time? Whatever the Hell it was, it didn't make any sense. Yeah, they stretched her out back in the day, I get it, but what the f--k was that? If I got my dick blown off a hundred years ago by angry townsfolk, I'm assuming my evil spirit gets to haunt people with said dick still attached, right? Respect the cock.
What's strange, is that maybe, just maybe, there's some twenty year-old kid out there, who's going to obsess over the films of 2016, and hold all future releases against them. Poor bastard. Not only is that a terrible idea to begin with...
...but it's already been done.
Better.