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Just Leave Me To Do My Dark Bidding On The Internet.

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It all started out so innocently. 
I don't even know what would possess me to do it, but I sent it, even though I felt like an asshole for doing so. I'm definitely a fan, but I hate crossing that line. It feels...desperate. I'm not cool, clearly, but I like it play it that way.

But after my phone died, I'm not going to lie, when I plugged it in, I thought, well...maybe. I mean, even though it's kind of embarrassing, there's a healthy component of oh, f--k it, you know?

 And then,
This is totally absurd, right? Just f--king ridiculous, if you give it any amount of thought. But, it's also kind of perfect, too. 

Which exactly sums up how I feel about co-writer and director Jemaine Clement's 2014 mockumentary, What We Do in the Shadows. As an avid fan of Clement's since the mind-numbing brilliance of HBO's Flight of the Conchords, I've always looked forward to projects he's a part of. But this one? Initially, anyway...I had my doubts.

 The faux-documentary thing seems to have really run its course, as has just about anything to do with vampires. But for whatever reason, likely the talents of Clement and frequent collaborator (and fellow dry-comedy genius) Taika Watiti, the combination of the two is a smashing success. It's very seldom that I'm disappointed when a movie ends, but even in a near coma-state at two in the morning, I wanted more. 

 After getting a guarantee of their personal safety, a film crew moves in and documents the lives of four vampires: Viago, Vladislav, Deacon and Petyr. Most of the film deals with the minutiae of not only living with roommates, but life as a modern-day vampire. It's all played in a very low-key fashion, perfectly humdrum and borderline pathetic. The result? Big laughs out of the tiniest of situations.


Housemum Viago (Waititi), ladies man Vladislav (Clement)
and the fiery 183 year-old, Deacon (Jonny Brugh).
In addition to documenting the lives of the vampires, the crew's focus is something known as The Unholy Masquerade. Apparently this is a party for all sorts of creatures of the night, including the awesomely-named Karori Zombie Society. In fact, someone is going to be graced with the coveted title of Guest of Honor. Will it be one of the vampires, or perhaps a member of the rival gang of werewolves? Who knows. It might even be something known as The Beast. 

 Decidedly award-free, are the Yays and Boos. The only sought-after title ever bestowed upon them is least funny thing on the Internet. Okay, fine. That was a made up title. And I was the only one who voted.

It's quite the party when technology is introduced to the house.
Selfies, pornography, and on-line sunsets are just the start.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
  • Viago opens the proceedings attempting to run a tighter ship. It seems eight-thousand year old Petyr hasn't been cleaning up after himself. Spinal columns are quite the eyesore.
  • Vladislav was turned when he was 16. Apparently, life was really hard back 850 years ago.
  • It's really hard to get dressed for a night out, you know, when you have no reflection.
  • It's also hard to get into a club once you do get dressed. Bouncers aren't exactly keen on inviting you in.
  • Jackie, not pictured, is a human that wants to be turned. Her story is delightfully pathetic, though I appreciate she feeds the guys people she hates.
  • Speaking of, seeing Viago carefully putting newspaper down while politely talking to his next victim (before it all goes to shit anyway) perfectly encapsulates how brilliantly abstrak this entire film is.
  • And after her grisly, blood-spurting death? On the upside, I think she had a really good time.
  • Ah, The Lost Boys [review]. 
  • The Nick chase scene is so f--king cool. Actually, just about every scene with Nick is incredible. 
  • Holy shit, the always fantastic Rhys Darby shows up (Murray, from FotC) and he damn near steals the movie as Anton, leader of the werewolves (a 'stinking gang of assholes' they are). When someone calls on of the vamps Count Fagula, Anton doesn't stand for it. We're werewolves, guys, not swearwolves.
  • For what appears to be a low-budge little flick, there's a pretty rad Inception-style fight scene.
  • And finally, the bit with Stu at the end. Between you and me, I almost cried I was laughing so hard at all the ridiculousness that came with the finale. The fact that was how he wanted to go still makes me start to choke up. He looks like Seal.
Petyr is a dick. I guess after 8,000 years, it's par for the course.
Booooooooooo!
  • Sure it's unfair, and stupid, but if Clements involved and Bret McKenzie isn't? That's a boo. Rules is rules.
  • I had a roommate who never cleaned the bloody dishes, either. Though, to his credit, they weren't actually bloody.
  • Man, turning really sucks. Unless you like bleeding from your f--king eyes.
  • Oh, and another reason I don't want to be a vampire: chips. I enjoy eating chips.
  • Nick, the new guy, tells everyone he's a vampire. Everyone. It's a total dick move, you know? Did you tell this guy? Yes. Who is he? I don't know, but I trust him.
  • Someone refers to our crew as a homo-erotic dick-biting club. Fitting, yes. Harsh? Also yes.
  • Turns out it's kind of hard to masturbate in a coffin. Okay, you got me. I already knew that.
  • Vampire Hunters. These guys are the worst. Well, outside of Lincoln. He was a good dude.
  • Those were the best worst cops ever. (this is actually a Yay, I just needed a little balance)
  • Pauline's new guy is a real prick. I'd like to tell that guy to F--k off to a tree. If it applied, of course.
  • And finally, I know this kind of abstrak humor isn't for everyone, Hell, potentially anyone, but it bums me the f--k out that a genuinely funny movie like this will never ever see the light of day in a typical movie theater. But all these bullshit remakes and reboots? They get five screens. I realize that sounds like movie snob dickery, but even if one screen was reserved for weird shit, even once a week, that would be a step in the right direction. Maybe we give up a future showing of Ride Along 2...for f--k's sake.
You know, I actually took Clement's advice and tried a little hypnosis on my wife. It was my first time, and I think I messed up.


She's went to sleep immediately.
Even before I could suggest the movie.



(It's been two days.)

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