I just saw the preview for the new Paul Blart movie and thought to myself, It's bad enough they made a first one, but now they're making another one? What the f--k? Who asked for more of this nonsense?
Let's just move on, shall we? 
here], nine of my twenty-one favorite scenes, featured rectangular squares, death becoming him and lots and lots of daffodils. But the one that seemed to resonate the most?
The one with the transvestite.
Eating dog shit.
Let's just move on, shall we?
Group #5: The Person Next to Me...
Nightmare on Elm Street (1986) - ...should have been arrested. I was so terrified when Freddy stretched his arms out [and dragged his knives along the wall?], it haunted me for years. Like, until I turned 9.
The Green Mile (1999) - ...sobbed so hard, begging me to hold them (unbeknownst to me, I was on a date). John Coffey's execution scene completely wrecked me. To this day, I can barely muster the strength to watch it. But...I kinda love it, anyway.
Aliens (1986) - ...also couldn't believe it. Me and my brother stared at each-other wide-eyed. Why can't we see them? The dots say they're in the room! As a kid, this scene was the pinnacle of suspense.
Copland (1997) - ...held their breath, too. When Freddy (Stallone) stumbles up the road to end things, we were absolutely riveted. I love how slowly it all plays out, not to mention the fact that the audio is just about entirely absent.
Blade II (2002) - ...may have given me a high-five. The first five minutes of the Blade sequel are the right kind of ridiculous. Blade not only shoots multiple vampires in the head, but he also chokes the head off of a guy riding a motorcycle. Oh, and he blows a kiss...to his car.
Group #6 (Final Group): If I ever need cheering up...
Undercover Brother (2002) - I actually love this entire movie, but the first five minutes? Priceless. It doesn't get any better than seeing Eddie Griffin singing We Want the Funk and not spilling his Big Gulp.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) - I don't really believe in magic, but when Rooney's secretary takes the phone and makes those awful uhhhhhhh ohhhhh noises, I'm convinced anything's possible. Her loyalty kills me every time.
The Breakfast Club (1985) - Pretty much every minute with John Bender is the best minute ever, but when ol' John falls through the ceiling, I laugh like a lunatic. If I had a nickel for every time I said Could you describe the ruckus, sir? I'd have a shitload of nickels.
The Jim Carey Trifecta: All make the cut because of the number of times in my life I have referenced them.
- The Cable Guy (1996) - The basketball scene is easily my favorite. Carey's awesome, but Jack Black brings it, too. No way....I'm on Steven's team.
- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) - Ace returns Boob Lady's dog, and things get a little out of control. The fact that she offers to take his pants off was funny enough, but the next twenty seconds are etched into my brain forever. We're real friendly around here!
- Dumb & Dumber (1994) - Of all the parts of this one I cherish, I think Lloyd's fantasy is my favorite.
And finally, my favorite funny scene of all-time? The painting scene in Goodfellas. Tommy's analysis of his mother's painting is something dreams are made of. Everyone delivers here (love Liotta so much), but holy shit Pesci was on fire. I like this one. One dog goes one way, the other dog goes the other way. Brilliant.
Thanks for reading this ridiculousness, and thanks to Fisti for hosting. Oh, and thanks to anyone who was sitting next to me while these scenes played out. Spending that time with you?
That's a great moment, too.