Possibly to the detriment of increased readership, I always start my posts with a personal story. Usually it's very loosely related to the film or its themes, or sometimes, just an incident from my unspectacular life that I was reminded of while watching. But as I'm just north of my four-hundredth post, these introductory paragraphs are getting harder and harder to come up with. Soon, I'm afraid, I'm going to have to dust off some already published stories and reimagine them. Maybe tell you the dreaded untold story...
I'll tell you right now, outside of spending an hour and a half with the impossibly sexy Angelina Jolie, Maleficent simply isn't my kind of film. Yeah, I've said it before, I'll watch anything, but I never said I'd enjoy doing so. And while Disney's latest live-action version of a beloved classic doesn't unseat Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland as biggest turd ever, it further cements the fact that these flicks simply ain't for me. With or without Lara Croft.
Let me be clear: this isn't a bad movie. Not offensively so, anyway. It's just that outside of an enchanting Angelina Jolie, for me, there wasn't much else to care about. The effects are nice, sure, and the script somewhat clever. Hell, I even liked the supporting cast, too. But for a guy clearly outside the sasaran demographic, I simply didn't give a damn about any of it. In fact, I rented it for my wife (and my aforementioned unrequited love of Mrs. Brad Pitt), and that crazy bitch fell asleep before Jolie made an appearance. Just kidding. She's not crazy...
If you somehow don't know, and are somehow still reading this, here's Maleficent in a nutshell: A young fairy - (unfortunately) named Maleficent -falls in love with a human boy. This boy grows up to be a selfish dickhole, and betrays this adorable little girl in the worst possible way. Rightfully so, she grows up angry and curses the newborn daughter of this boy, who has now grown up to be King. The King, hearing of this curse, sends his daughter far away, presumably for her own well-being. And by far away, clearly I mean directly under the watchful eye of the woman he screwed over years prior.
Again, on paper, this may all sound well and good...if you're a ten year-old girl. Or the mother of one. And that's fine. You both seem like lovely ladies. But for me, a real man's man (look, man's boy or boy's man sound f--king awful), I should have just called it after gazing lovingly at the eerily sexy posters of Jolie. I think those hours were enough.
Speaking of spending too much time alone in the dark, here are the Yays and Boos. These two are really excited about Christmas this year. What can I say? They like fat guys. Well...other fat guys.
Let me be clear: this isn't a bad movie. Not offensively so, anyway. It's just that outside of an enchanting Angelina Jolie, for me, there wasn't much else to care about. The effects are nice, sure, and the script somewhat clever. Hell, I even liked the supporting cast, too. But for a guy clearly outside the sasaran demographic, I simply didn't give a damn about any of it. In fact, I rented it for my wife (and my aforementioned unrequited love of Mrs. Brad Pitt), and that crazy bitch fell asleep before Jolie made an appearance. Just kidding. She's not crazy...
If you somehow don't know, and are somehow still reading this, here's Maleficent in a nutshell: A young fairy - (unfortunately) named Maleficent -falls in love with a human boy. This boy grows up to be a selfish dickhole, and betrays this adorable little girl in the worst possible way. Rightfully so, she grows up angry and curses the newborn daughter of this boy, who has now grown up to be King. The King, hearing of this curse, sends his daughter far away, presumably for her own well-being. And by far away, clearly I mean directly under the watchful eye of the woman he screwed over years prior.
Again, on paper, this may all sound well and good...if you're a ten year-old girl. Or the mother of one. And that's fine. You both seem like lovely ladies. But for me, a real man's man (look, man's boy or boy's man sound f--king awful), I should have just called it after gazing lovingly at the eerily sexy posters of Jolie. I think those hours were enough.
Speaking of spending too much time alone in the dark, here are the Yays and Boos. These two are really excited about Christmas this year. What can I say? They like fat guys. Well...other fat guys.
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| Oh. Hey. This is that thing I'm not supposed to touch. |
Yaaaaaaaaay!
- Those 'classically handsome' Tree Guys were pretty cool. Like slightly more refined Groots.
- There was some pretty rad action early on. Maleficent f--king houses dudes left and right.
- Oh, and this one guy? I'm pretty sure he gets thrown a mile. Like, for real. An actual f--king mile. And wait for it...by a tree. Sit down. That wasn't a girl squealing outside your window. That was me. Two thousand miles away.
- Even though I didn't like him here, I stand and give a slow clap from that dude from District 9 every time I see him. Sharlto!
- Let me tell you...the things Maleficent can do with a staff. Yowzers.
- That was an adorable little baby. If this was Sparta? They're keeping her.
- It was marginally cooler when Thor said it, but I need a horse is a great line no matter who utters it.
- If I had a van and a mustache, I'm pretty sure I would paint that dragon on the side of it. The van, I mean.
- And finally, all dickery aside, Angelina Jolie was kind of badass in this. I've never really bought her as this hardcore chick in a lot of her other flicks...but here? She's the real deal.
Boooooooo!
- Stefan, you dick. I hated you from the minute I saw you, bro. You ever tough my daughter's wings....
- Speaking of things I hate, my arch enemies DEAD PARENTS show up again! Yay! Let's talk about that with the wee ones, huh? That sounds super.
- Phillip. First, get a haircut, hippie. Second, what's with all these boys chasing these virginal young girls? Third, that little wake-up kiss was creepy as f--k. I'm telling you now....I'll kill some little Justin Bieber f--ker when the time comes. That's a promise. Keep your nasty mouth to yourself, bro. Assuming I'm not dead anyway, cause that's what happens to parents..
- Hey, King, I've got an idea. Maybe we don't let the scary witch have the baby, you know? Maybe we prevent that. Just an idea.
- Maleficent you cheeky monkey. F--king with the fairies seemed like a dick move. As was telling a toddler I hate you.
- Oh, movie mudfights. You're the worst.
- Before we go...can I mention that I also rented Begin Again? And can I also mention that that's what I wanted to watch? And can I say that after this one I slipped into a sleep so deep that not even true love's kiss could wake me up? Or, assuming that wasn't even attempted, the passing mention of I'm going to sleep couldn't rouse me from my Maleficent-induced slumber.
- And finally, I know this is going to be animo and all, this live-action onslaught, but if Into the Woods is as bad as it looks, can we just call it now? Pretty please.
Speaking of sleep and inescapable curses, I have to go to bed so I can get up and teach eighth graders the finer points of the English language. If only I had had some magical wings, I could have jumped out the window and flown away months ago...
...and have had a much better first paragraph for this post.