As I've gotten older, it's become harder to let go and just believe. Where once my faith was unflinching, now that steadfast belief has eroded into an ugly and unwelcome indifference. I desperately want it to be like when I was a kid, back when I was excited to spend just an hour or two in His presence. Back then, I didn't really even know what He was saying, but I liked the way the words sounded, and I loved what He stood for. He was my universe, no, our universe.
Hell, he was Mr. Universe.
While much of the movie-going world was experiencing the religious epic Noah this past weekend, me and four other chumps spread out in theater 8 and watched Arnold Schwarzenegger's latest, Sabotage. For a moment, I was thrilled to see my boyhood pahlawan kicking ass (yet again) on the big screen, but we don't go to the movies for a moment, do we (outside of a glorious nude scene, naturally)? We typically go for something slightly more substantial (like a much longer nude scene) .
Now, don't get me wrong, there actually is a little substance here, but it's completely buried under a cast of characters that f--king suck. Seriously, I can think of few movies where I literally wanted the entire cast to die in horrific fashion (though Only God Forgives comes to mind) just so I could be not pissed. And even when that actually started happening I was still furious. Wait, whaaaat?
Sabotage is like Predator in the fact that we've got Arnold leading a team of badasses with cool names. Instead of Mack and Billy fighting an invisible angry vagina monster from space, we've got Grinder and Neck fighting each other, relatable human emotion, and various Mexican drug cartels. I'm sorry, they don't use that term any more. Anyway, unlike the team assembled to level the jungle, most of the guys in Sabotage come off as the worst people alive. Especially the girl. Turns out, when you don't like the crew...it's hard to like pretty much anything.
That said, the story, at least on paper, is mildly intriguing. After a botched drug bust where ten million dollars goes missing, Breacher's (Schwarzenegger) squad is suspended pending an investigation. After months of fruitless questioning and surveillance, the grup band is put back together. They train, bust each other's balls, train some more and it appears that they're back! But then one of their own dies in a tragic 'parked his motor home on the train tracks' accident, and the shit hits the fan. Well, it would, but it was an accident, silly goose. It's not like the hunters have become the hunted or anything. Or. Is. It?
Obviously, it's the point, but there are no good guys in this film. None. The actual bad guys (the cartel?), if we can call them that, are faceless a-holes we're never meant to give a f--k about. So we're left with Breacher and his grup band of goons. Arnold and an almost unrecognizable Sam Worthington give it a go, but everyone else is just there to die in increasingly violent fashion.
Look, I don't really know a lot of cops (I know two, while my wife, Speed Racer, knows countless more), but I guess it's not too much of a stretch to assume that going deep under cover could really f--k you up. These guys, however, the alleged DEA agents, exist in a world miles away from any semblance or reality. They look and act like f--king animals. I didn't care when they died, and worse, I didn't even care how they died, well, except for the last pair. That was incredible.
Speaking of an incredible pair, here's a picture of my...wait, wait. Wrong blog. Here are the not-at-all credible Yays and Boos.
Look, I don't really know a lot of cops (I know two, while my wife, Speed Racer, knows countless more), but I guess it's not too much of a stretch to assume that going deep under cover could really f--k you up. These guys, however, the alleged DEA agents, exist in a world miles away from any semblance or reality. They look and act like f--king animals. I didn't care when they died, and worse, I didn't even care how they died, well, except for the last pair. That was incredible.
Speaking of an incredible pair, here's a picture of my...wait, wait. Wrong blog. Here are the not-at-all credible Yays and Boos.
Yaaaaaaaaaaay!
- F--k it (and maybe even you). I still love Ah-nuld, no matter what. Always will.
- I don't know how the world feels, but I totally loved the camerawork. 'Twas some shaky-cam goodness for me.
- There's a weird segment where Arnold just like, actually works out for three minutes. Random? Yes. F--king awesome? Also yes.
- But my favorite awkward Arnold scene? How about watching the f--king Terminator lay waste to a spreadsheet!
- Breasts. No, wait. Unnecessary breasts.
- It's silly, but I loved the pembinaan montage. You know, thirty seconds of them being shitty, speech, then thirty seconds of them being awesome. It's great. And as a bonus for you? I have the speech right here. Clear your throat, grab your balls, and in your best Schwarzenegger, bellow Grindah. You breeeached. You have to dig dat cornah! Feels good, doesn't it? Feels right.
- Oh, f--k. Not since Cape Fear has slipping in blood been so f--king awful. It's sooooo bad...it's great.
- Arnold got to improv some lines and it's kind of funny that you can hear him almost laugh. You and your 48 percent body fat!
- There's an extremely well done segment where a murder has already happened yet it's edited together with the discovery of the body to create completely absent tension. I was like What the f--k, you can't hear them shooting h-....Ohhhh. I get it.
- The shootout/chase scene at the end is the right kind of ridiculous. I'll put it to you this way. Me and the driver of that car totally didn't see that coming.
- And finally, the (almost) end. I was 100% satisfied with the big reveal. Maybe you saw that coming, but I didn't. The very end was kind of cool, too. Even though it kind of came of as a deleted scene from the Austrian version of Desperado. You know, assuming that's a real thing.
 |
| This may be how they get audiences to actually see this movie. |
Boooooooooo!
- Urinal Cop Guy. Not only are you a huge pussy, but you look like a dick. Bad combo, bro.
- So these guys (and one 'girl' I suppose) do everything hard. They drink. They smoke. They fight. They even speak hard. Which should be impossible to do every f--king time you open your mouth.
- They go to a strip club. Yay! Where no one gets naked.
- Terrence Howard. It's true. It's hard out there for a pimp...to be likable. In any role. Ever.
- The homicide detective, Caroline, played by Olivia Williams. First, I didn't buy her role in the story at all. But worse? Yep. Her accent. I think there must be a small town in England where they say y'all a lot. Or she was punched in the mouth by Troy Aikman years back. One of those.
- Breacher, my man, you might want to stop watching that video. I'm not a psychologist...but that can't be good for you, dude.
- Infidelity. While that's generally a Boo anyway, the way it's handled here is actually hysterical. It's basically, Oh, and um, I'm totally f--king THAT GUY! [awkward looks of surprise] C'MON, THAT GUY! Let's go. [they go]
- Speaking of awful bitches, Lizzy, the lone female of the group, might be the worst f--king character ever. I know I say this a lot, but I mean it. If I'm ever at a movie and realize the same actress is on the screen, I will stand up, politely ask everyone to leave, and burn that f--king theater to the ground.
- Arnold gets to say Donde Esta which is like a dream come true for my ears. But then he doesn't immediately kill someone, which is like seeing that dream explode right in front of me.
- And finally, me. I simply need to grow up and move on. But I fully realize I never will.
You know, as I sit here questioning my faith, I realize that I haven't stepped out of my comfort zone. Maybe I should re-evaluate what it is I truly believe in. I'm considering something different, something from the Far East. Those ancient traditions could renew and rejuvenate me.
If only they were showing The Raid 2 around here.
If only they were showing The Raid 2 around here.