Occasionally, I'll get asked the question what is your favorite movie of all-time? Immediately I begin to stammer. Well, it depends. What genre? Favorite newer movie? Or, like, a classic? Is it something to watch over and over again? Or do you mean favorite theatrical experience? And on and on it goes. My go to answer, depending on the day, is usually Fight Club. But, sometimes I might say The Big Lebowski or Jerry Maguire. Possibly even Psycho or Tim Burton's Big Fish. But after I watch O Brother, Where Art Thou? or Moulin Rouge!, I might opt for either one. It's hopeless, really.
But my least favorite of all-time? That shit's easy.
Stewardess School is the worst f--king movie I have ever seen, hands down. It's not even in the ball park of so bad it's good. It's so bad, I'm actually doing all I can not to f--king punch the shit out of my monitor now, simply because it features a picture of this abomination. It's like someone not only took a massive dump in my eyes, but also in my soul. This one hurt. Bad.
What compelled you in the first place, jerkface? Well, two things: First, I genuinely like to throw the occasional random-ass movie on here, and I thought an 80's sex-romp would entertain, like my first [blogged] foray, Private School [review]. And second, sometimes, the worse the movie, the better the post.
If that holds true, this should be the best post I've ever written. Though, that isn't saying much.
Somewhere, in some terrible place, possibly at gunpoint, someone decided that Police Academy was just too good. So, they took the premise of a ragtag mix of lovable goofballs, and instead of setting them in the rigid world of serving and protecting, elected to send them to the God-awful titular location instead. There, they could learn the ins and outs of air-hospitality. But as shitty as that sounds on paper, the simpulan product is infinitely worse.
I once read a story about a guy who was installing some roofing. Near the end of his job, he attempted to use the nailgun to affix one of the simpulan shingles and call it day. As he scooted back, he spread his legs as wide as possible, in order to make enough room. Somehow, he inadvertently drove the nail through his own scrotum, attaching himself to the roof. Now, I've never installed shingles, never even used a nailgun. But, after seeing Stewardess School (motherf--king start to finish), I now recognize this level of pain and embarrassment.
While the Boos arrived on time, turns out, the Yays missed their flight. But, we've got Only in a Bad Eighties Flick filling in. Might as well start with them...
You remember that joke in Good Will Hunting about the stewardess? Funnier than this whole movie.
Remember that scene in La Bamba with the plane? Yep. Funnier than this movie.
But my least favorite of all-time? That shit's easy.
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| If you own this on Laserdisc, you're due a high-five or an axe to the face. |
What compelled you in the first place, jerkface? Well, two things: First, I genuinely like to throw the occasional random-ass movie on here, and I thought an 80's sex-romp would entertain, like my first [blogged] foray, Private School [review]. And second, sometimes, the worse the movie, the better the post.
If that holds true, this should be the best post I've ever written. Though, that isn't saying much.
Somewhere, in some terrible place, possibly at gunpoint, someone decided that Police Academy was just too good. So, they took the premise of a ragtag mix of lovable goofballs, and instead of setting them in the rigid world of serving and protecting, elected to send them to the God-awful titular location instead. There, they could learn the ins and outs of air-hospitality. But as shitty as that sounds on paper, the simpulan product is infinitely worse.
I once read a story about a guy who was installing some roofing. Near the end of his job, he attempted to use the nailgun to affix one of the simpulan shingles and call it day. As he scooted back, he spread his legs as wide as possible, in order to make enough room. Somehow, he inadvertently drove the nail through his own scrotum, attaching himself to the roof. Now, I've never installed shingles, never even used a nailgun. But, after seeing Stewardess School (motherf--king start to finish), I now recognize this level of pain and embarrassment.
While the Boos arrived on time, turns out, the Yays missed their flight. But, we've got Only in a Bad Eighties Flick filling in. Might as well start with them...
Only in a Bad Eighties Flick...
- Would Don 'Ralph Malph' Most have a starring role.
- Would farting in an elevator full of stuffy, rich folk be considered hilarious.
- Would you find a butler named Jeeves.
- Would a character be named Scuzzball.
- Would a character bite his fist in anticipated delight.
- Would a character suggest playing hide the salami. While holding an actual salami.
- Would twin girls speak at the same time.
- Would someone spike the punch. Then demand, Let's party! Like, gag me with a spoon.
Boooooooooo!
- Why do all these movies have a guy with a best friend who is literally the worst person alive?
- As I watched each horrible scene play out, I kept thinking that was the worst three minutes ever put to film. But somehow, it kept getting worse. I'd have cringed less watching American History X's curb stomp on loop.
- So, you're thinking, sure, this movie is terrible, but there's boobs, right? Yes. But there aren't enough tits in the world to right this wrong. Read that again.
- I think I could go to a maximum security prison and find six people I would rather spend ninety minutes with than this awful group of characters.
- And they're so generic, too. Bad Luck Girl (she refers to herself as a klutz, ugh), High-Pitched Lady With Big Boobs We Never Get to See, Rich Girl/Least Convincing Punk Rocker Ever, Overly Gay Guy, and of course, Frumpy Fat Girl Who Can't Help But Stuff Her Face.
- And speaking of the Frumpy one, check this out. During the climax, when the plane has a hole blown in it, someone thought this would be hi-larious! See, things are blowing around, cabin pressure is being lost, when, get this, the Fat Girl plugs up the hole with her fat ass! Oh, Fat Girl. You so fat.
- Another cinematic gem for you. Overly Gay Guy, is on his hands and knees near Annoying Passenger Bitch when, out of nowhere, a beverage cart smashes into him. Surprising no one, his head ends up in her. Also surprising no one, when he finally gets his head out, surprise! He's cross-eyed!
- Now, seriously, no bullshit here. I almost broke my own rule and shut this off midway. I did. But just when I was about to, they start playing this bitchin' title track during the movie. Sure, this is likely the worst song ever recorded, but it was genuinely so bad it was great. I was unfortunately renewed.
- They mention during pelatihan that Rule #47: Keep smiling. Rule #48, oddly enough, is F--k this movie.
- And finally, I can't believe this movie was written and directed by someone. Who admitted it. This actually got the biggest laugh out of me. And by that, I mean I stopped scowling and beating my chest like Marky Mark in Fear.
You remember that joke in Good Will Hunting about the stewardess? Funnier than this whole movie.
Remember that scene in La Bamba with the plane? Yep. Funnier than this movie.