Did you read the story about that college student uncovering the dark side of humanity? No, it wasn't what college guys do to their unconscious roommates, but instead an experiment using, of all things, rubber turtles. See, this kid, Nathan Weaver, was studying the declining population of box turtles in South Carolina. He placed a realistic-looking rubber turtle in the road and tracked how many people deliberately swerved to crush the poor thing. About 3% of drivers destroyed the turtle, and a few tried and missed (dumb bastards on multiple fronts, clearly). I think it's very sad to imagine a cute, little-bitty thing, trudging along, only to have some a-hole go out of his way to kill it. But what if it wasn't cute? What if it was a gigantic, menacing beast? Then what? Well, in that case...
Troll Hunter, released in 2010, tells the story of a trio of college kids also investigating the senseless slaughter of animals. In this case however, replace South Carolinian turtles with Norwegian bears (sounds like the matchup from Super Bowl CCXXVI) as the crux of the story. Seems numerous bears have been found dead and these three, armed with their HD camera, go all Scooby-Doo and decide to get some answers. But being that this found footage was compiled under less than ideal circumstances, it appears that not everything is coming up Milhouse in the Land of the Midnight Sun.
A few minutes in, we discover that the dead bears are part of an elaborate cover for the larger duduk perkara of, you guessed it, trolls. Seems these giant f--kers have been wreaking havoc throughout Norway for years, and our college kids track down the man responsible for hunting them. But, awesome Blogger Guy, trolls aren't real. Well, no shit. But, outside of some spotty special effects (but certainly good enough, all things considered), there's enough of a silly story to make you think otherwise. The lore is presented with steadfast appreciation, for sure. And, this isn't one of those flicks where they bitch out and make you think you saw a troll. These goofy bastards get ample screen time. I might even go as far as saying too much, even. But then, I remember that trolls are obviously, like boobs. You can never see enough of them. Oh, and the bigger the better, clearly. Though not too big, because that just looks fake and unnatural.
Anyway, desperate rantings aside, Troll Hunter is worth a watch. Even if, ultimately, it's just another found footage flick, at least this one is creative and tries something different. Trolls don't get a lot of cinematic love, outside of epic Peter Jackson flicks - so bonus points must be awarded. And, it's full of Norwegians, which according to my friend Flem, means its pretty frickin' legit. And that dude taught in Norway. So clearly, he's more than familiar with large, hairy beasts.
On that note, let's grind the bones of the Yays and Boos and make some delicious bread. Or, I guess we could just defrost the loaf in the freezer. Either way.
Hopefully no college kids were around taking notes and filming it. Those damn meddling kids. Always exposing the worst of us.
A few minutes in, we discover that the dead bears are part of an elaborate cover for the larger duduk perkara of, you guessed it, trolls. Seems these giant f--kers have been wreaking havoc throughout Norway for years, and our college kids track down the man responsible for hunting them. But, awesome Blogger Guy, trolls aren't real. Well, no shit. But, outside of some spotty special effects (but certainly good enough, all things considered), there's enough of a silly story to make you think otherwise. The lore is presented with steadfast appreciation, for sure. And, this isn't one of those flicks where they bitch out and make you think you saw a troll. These goofy bastards get ample screen time. I might even go as far as saying too much, even. But then, I remember that trolls are obviously, like boobs. You can never see enough of them. Oh, and the bigger the better, clearly. Though not too big, because that just looks fake and unnatural.
Anyway, desperate rantings aside, Troll Hunter is worth a watch. Even if, ultimately, it's just another found footage flick, at least this one is creative and tries something different. Trolls don't get a lot of cinematic love, outside of epic Peter Jackson flicks - so bonus points must be awarded. And, it's full of Norwegians, which according to my friend Flem, means its pretty frickin' legit. And that dude taught in Norway. So clearly, he's more than familiar with large, hairy beasts.
On that note, let's grind the bones of the Yays and Boos and make some delicious bread. Or, I guess we could just defrost the loaf in the freezer. Either way.
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| Full disclosure: I watched this scene five times in a row. |
Yaaaaaaaaay!
- Though the buildup was nice, the initial troll spotting was awesome. TROLL!
- Oh, man. The sounds trolls make? Incredible. On the list with unsheathing light saber and Autobot transforming.
- On screen white balancing? Wow. Almost makes me appreciate paying my student loans every month.
- It'll never work out, but I can't wait to drop the line Anyone need some gravel? That's gonna be so sweet.
- The bridge scene! Though I felt bad for the sheep, this scene is friggin' classic. First, the human blood looked like sweet and sour sauce from China Wall down the road. Second, the troll punches the shit out of Hans. And third, Hans gets up and shakes it off, slightly dazed, in a dramatic testament to the Norwegian work ethic.
- Speaking of the Troll Hunter, I swear this guy is actually a public school teacher. Oh, you doubt? Here are his chief complaints about
teaching kidshunting trolls: - He is tired of his shitty job.
- He has no rights.
- No overtime.
- And no 'nuisance compensation' either, whatever the Hell that is.
- Lore! Shredded tire? Trolls did that. And tornadoes? Elaborate cover for troll-related damages. Logical. Power lines? Hah. Don't even get me started.
- The term Mountain Kings. Thanks for that. Now I know what to call next year's fantasy football squad.
- And finally, the um, simpulan troll. Not sure that it made sense, but I am sure I loved looking at it.
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| I think this is the only sweater they sell in Norway. |
Booooo!
- Occasionally, all the talking and serious dialogue get a bit groan-inducing.
- Man, not only must you be an atheist to successfully hunt trolls, but you have to rub troll stench all over your body. Especially your armpits and groin. Good Lord!
- In The Hobbit, Gandalf easily kicks troll ass by splitting a rock and revealing the dreaded sunlight. At least Hans has a gun. Well, okay, it's pretty much a flash from the world's largest camera, but at least it's shaped like a gun.
- Okay, I'm pretty sure if I were being chased by a f--king thirty-foot troll I wouldn't lose track of it. Well, at least not more than once.
- And finally, nothing against the movie on this one, but a hearty f--k you to chapter seven of the blu ray Blockbuster sent me. That shit wouldn't play no matter how many times I restarted my computer. I bet it was a five minute shower scene I missed. Or some glorious troll make-out footage. Damn it either way.
Hopefully no college kids were around taking notes and filming it. Those damn meddling kids. Always exposing the worst of us.