Have you ever seen the show Shark Tank? This has somehow become my wife's favorite show. Anyway, the premise is simple: A quartet of rich people (the titular Sharks) are looking to invest thousands of dollars in the next big thing. Average schmoes desperately pitch them these ideas to entertainingly mixed results. Sometimes, they bite and invest willingly. Other times, they say the idea sucks and bail with the simple catchphrase, I'm out. Imagine with me...
You know, I thought that opening would have been better. The idea was novel, you know, combining the Shark Tank concept with a movie pitch as a way to open a new post. But, let's be honest, it was poorly written, sloppily executed and really not as interesting as it could have been. I mean, just because I had the idea, didn't mean I should have followed through with it. What was I thinking? And shame on you for even reading it.
Anyway, on Monday night, I managed to watch The Human Centipede. I was trying to end my month-long horror binge with something notorious in the genre, and this one certainly qualified (I almost opted for the original I Spit on Your Grave). It seemed fitting as Halloween approached, to aim high. Or low. Depending on your tastes.
Speaking of, my tastes have apparently changed as I've gotten older. Instead of being grossed out while having a good time, I just kept shaking my head and asking myself why? There was a little bit of why was this made? but much more of why am I watching this? It reminded me of this ultra awkward wet T-shirt contest that somehow broke out at a party I was at in college. While the idea sounded good on paper, it ended up being awkward and embarrassing. But, I suppose, each was memorable, even if for the wrong reasons. I guess that's something...
Well, now that I've covered pointless surgeries, bad reality TV, and college girls getting pneumonia on a farm in Connecticut, might as well check in with the Yays and Boos. It might be a minute however, they just dumped out their pillowcases.
What's with the face? I was thinking we could be the guys from Shark Tank? What were you thinking?
Shark #1: Okay, our next guy is pitching a movie. Sir, are you ready?
Shark #2: This should be good.
Shark #1: Well, let's hear it. What's this movie about? Another comic book flick? Rom-com? What is it?
Guy: A creepy German doctor fulfills his life-long dream of surgically connecting three people.
Shark #2: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Surgically connecting?
Shark #1: I'm out.
Shark #3: Me too.
Shark #2: What a terrible idea. Just awful. I'm out.
Guy: Wait. Did I mention he connects them, ass-to-mouth?
Shark #4: Let me get my checkbook.
Anyway, on Monday night, I managed to watch The Human Centipede. I was trying to end my month-long horror binge with something notorious in the genre, and this one certainly qualified (I almost opted for the original I Spit on Your Grave). It seemed fitting as Halloween approached, to aim high. Or low. Depending on your tastes.
Speaking of, my tastes have apparently changed as I've gotten older. Instead of being grossed out while having a good time, I just kept shaking my head and asking myself why? There was a little bit of why was this made? but much more of why am I watching this? It reminded me of this ultra awkward wet T-shirt contest that somehow broke out at a party I was at in college. While the idea sounded good on paper, it ended up being awkward and embarrassing. But, I suppose, each was memorable, even if for the wrong reasons. I guess that's something...
Well, now that I've covered pointless surgeries, bad reality TV, and college girls getting pneumonia on a farm in Connecticut, might as well check in with the Yays and Boos. It might be a minute however, they just dumped out their pillowcases.
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| Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes. |
Yaaaay!
- German word of the day: ficken Pretty sure you can figure that one out.
- Trying to escape? The punishment is instant death, right? Oooh, sorry. It's actually being the middle piece.
- The surgery scene actually made me wince. Good thing even the doc needed a break.
- There's a few moments where the girls try to comfort each other and I actually found it to be oddly uplifting. It's like finding a penny in the largest turd ever. It's not worth much, but for a minute, you forget about all the shit.
- And finally, I will give some sort of credit to the fact that this movie exists. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm a curious mix of impressed and saddened.
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| We're real friendly around here. |
Boooooo!
- So, round one was connecting three dogs? Dude.
- This actually angered me the most. You have a crazy ass idea, the whole Centipede angle, right? But how do you get the girls to the scary doctor? Flat tire in the woods + no cell phone coverage. Guess we used all the brainpower on sewing asses to faces, huh?
- And for what? To complete the gastric system, of all things? This is someone's goal? When I think of goals with two chicks, sewing them together never crossed my mind.
- I don't know about you, but if I ever escape a German torture den, I'm sorry, but I'm leaving your ass behind. You can't hate me if you're dead.
- Okay, nomination for the worst scene ever? Two words: Spiral. Staircase.
- And finally, not that I wanted more or anything, but the end was pretty terrible. In fact, you could even say that it was really shitty, and basically sucked ass.
What's with the face? I was thinking we could be the guys from Shark Tank? What were you thinking?