I was really sick last week, perhaps deliriously so. I had just left the diagnostic lab where I had given five, yes five, vials of blood and proceeded to hustle through the local grocery store to get something to eat, as it had been at least 24 hours since my last bite. So, it was rather weakly that I approached the Redbox machine and made my pick. Apparently,
giving blood makes you want to
see blood. And feeling like
ass, actually makes you want to see
tits. Who knew?
Clearly, I'm reaching, as the true inspiration of my willing rental of
Piranha 3DD was not the result of my mystery illness, but more of a logistical matter. At a doable (ahem) 83 minutes, I thought I could finish it before I passed out. And while that wasn't the case, I was also going for
simple. No plot twists, no character development, nothing that involved even the slightest twinge of thought. And in that regard, is the
only way, that this film could ever be considered a success. Because unless you're an eleven year old boy who hasn't ever been on the internet, this flick is a giant, floating turd. Hell, even that might be more entertaining to look at, depending on it's shape and size.
You know, I actually saw the first one (the 2010 remake) theatrically and had a decent enough time. I mean, seeing a severed schvantz floating around in its 3D glory certainly has its charms, right? Okay, no - but still. It was incredibly stupid, but so comically violent and over-the-top it deserved whatever slight praise it was given. And, it had Elisabeth Shue. So, you can't hate it. Oh, and there was that girl that got her hair caught in the propellar, too. Remember her? Of course you do.
 |
| Would it surprise you if I said this was in slo-motion? |
On to the question that's no one in the history of time has ever sincerely asked,
What is Piranha 3DD about? Well, Imaginary Person, it's about, surprise, piranhas. And,
bigger surprise, a waterpark.
But, how would piranhas get into a waterpark? That doesn't make sense. Exactly. But in a movie where a piranha is
sexually transmitted, our old friend Logic left town years ago. That f--ker wanted no part of this. Didn't even say goodbye.
On that note, let's say a quick hello to our old friends, the
Yays and
Boobs Boos, this-movie made-$370-grand, read-it-again, grand style.
 |
| I went to an adult pool in Vegas once. It was pretty awesome. |
Yaaaaaaay!
- Gary Busey shows up. I know that may generally be a bad thing, but here, it's just about perfect.
- Double D, Swims Free! This is the best
waterpark policy ever. - A beach ball hits a pair of uncovered breasts in ultra-slo motion. While it is atrociously ridiculous, I like the idea that someone planned and executed such an abstrak idea.
- It's sooo stupid, but a piranha comes out of the water as if shot out of a T-shirt cannon and this girl catches it Seattle fish-market style inches from her face. You might have to see this. Wait. Nah, don't. Please don't.
- Though, I felt bad for him, Doc Brown (minus his DeLorean) returns. I love Christopher Lloyd. Still.
- This may seem blasphemous, but David Hasselhoff is the best thing about this movie. Yes, I just committed that to the internet forever, but it's true. That damn Baywatch theme is soooo awful, I think it's my favorite song.
- And finally, I don't care what the disc says, this movie barely cracks 70 minutes. Thankyajesus.
 |
| His leg is a shotgun. Where he keeps 900 rounds is a mystery. |
Booooooo!
- A dead cow farts baby piranhas. I typed it, you read it.
- You know that wonderful archetype, Annoying Fat Guy? Well, ours, Big Dave, not only routinely humps the jacuzzi jets (for laughs?), but he also jumps in vomit. On purpose. Oh, and a piranha ends up in his ass. His fat ass.
- The number of times wet is used as a double entendre may be some horrible record.
- Gigantic Shitty Movie Red Flag #937: There is a character named Chet. Shockingly, he's a douche.
- Hoff, though generally a good thing (in this movie), gets a musical number. I didn't sign on for this.
- Okay, is this a Boo? A guy gets beheaded by driving through some ribbon at 14 miles per hour. Hold on, it continues. His head flies fifty yards and motorboats between gigantic, blood-covered breasts. See, when I read that I think Yay, but when I actually saw it with my own eyes? Yeah, that's a Boo.
- I dare you to make it to the end of this movie to see the last scene and the music that accompanies it. I double dare you.What? You went physical challenge? Damn it.
If you haven't figured it out, I really haven't been myself lately. If you're still reading this madness, I appreciate it. Honestly. When I got home today, the City Nurse (yes, that's a real person) was waiting to talk to me. And while she didn't have DD's, she did have some information about what the Hell has been wrong with me. And no, it wasn't
sexually transmitted piranhas. I asked.
Clearly, I'm reaching, as the true inspiration of my willing rental of Piranha 3DD was not the result of my mystery illness, but more of a logistical matter. At a doable (ahem) 83 minutes, I thought I could finish it before I passed out. And while that wasn't the case, I was also going for simple. No plot twists, no character development, nothing that involved even the slightest twinge of thought. And in that regard, is the only way, that this film could ever be considered a success. Because unless you're an eleven year old boy who hasn't ever been on the internet, this flick is a giant, floating turd. Hell, even that might be more entertaining to look at, depending on it's shape and size.
