You want to know scary? Have a child - be responsible for a life. But what's even worse than general worry? Throw illness on top of that. Specifically, unannounced vomiting. Yeah, that's shit's terrifying. Last night, I managed to watch The Last Exorcism. And while it had a moment or two of uneasiness, waiting for the next round of Linda Blair-style emissions from a two-and-half-year old is truly shudder-worthy. Truly.
When I got this movie from Goozex, I thought it was something else. For some reason, I thought I was getting the yet unreleased (on blu ray), The Devil Inside. I know, what an idiot, but there are some similarities. Both are of the ever-burgeoning/dying slowly found footage variety. Both deal with exorcisms. And both, depending on who you ask, suck gigantic amounts of ass. Now, I didn't see The Devil Inside, but I can tell you now, this movie is not as horrible as the good folks at The Internet would lead you to believe. It's not great. Not at all. But, as a chaser to around seven hours of college basketball - it's not the worst thing ever. Matty throwing up on the couch? That's on the list.
The Last Exorcism tells the story of Cotton Marcus, a highly engaging preacher who is, well, completely full of shit. Oh, this isn't a secret at all, he tells us right out of the gate. He's a family man and, like the rest of us, has bills to pay. Exorcisms are his business, and business is good (that was my attempt to sneak in a Major Payne quote), Anyway, he and a camera crew set out to film all the shenanigans. He wants to expose the scams. So this should be cut and dry, right? Shockingly, not so much.
Before I head to the breakdown. let me say that for a PG-13 horror flick, starring no one, I wasn't expecting much. Sure, it probably could have been better, but overall I was entertained. Not engrossed, but I wasn't checking my phone either. So, if you have 87 minutes to spare, give it a spin. At least then you get to voice your opinion on the ending, and apparently that's a bit um, divisive.
Now that's March Madness.
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| Put a couch under her back and you get exactly how my son fell asleep tonight. |
The Last Exorcism tells the story of Cotton Marcus, a highly engaging preacher who is, well, completely full of shit. Oh, this isn't a secret at all, he tells us right out of the gate. He's a family man and, like the rest of us, has bills to pay. Exorcisms are his business, and business is good (that was my attempt to sneak in a Major Payne quote), Anyway, he and a camera crew set out to film all the shenanigans. He wants to expose the scams. So this should be cut and dry, right? Shockingly, not so much.
Before I head to the breakdown. let me say that for a PG-13 horror flick, starring no one, I wasn't expecting much. Sure, it probably could have been better, but overall I was entertained. Not engrossed, but I wasn't checking my phone either. So, if you have 87 minutes to spare, give it a spin. At least then you get to voice your opinion on the ending, and apparently that's a bit um, divisive.
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| He entertains like nobody's business. |
Yaaaaay!
- Give it up for Patrick Fabian. I checked his filmography and outside of General Hospital...this is it. I thought he kicked ass, regardless.
- Crucifix burns your skin? Nickel allergy.
- What gore we get is decent. Poor kitty.
- Nell. You are one scary/freaky bitch. I'd give you my boots, too. Oh, and stay out of my hotel room.
- Screw you guys, but I'm going to say that the ending was good. I think. Whatever. Don't you judge me.
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| So, totally hot right? Wait, I meant nuts. Totally nuts. |
Booooo!
- It's not really scary. Even when you think, oh shit - it's on now, it really isn't. Well, until the end anyway.
- Hey look! A picture of all of us dying! That's funny. Should we leave? Nah.
- When Nell's possessed, guess what her go to move is? Projectile vomiting? Good guess. F--king dude's up? Nice try. Um, running away? Genius!
- I think even the gnarliest of demon's wouldn't botch the term blowjob.
- Did Hellboy make a cameo? I'm serious. I swear I saw that little red bastard.
Now that's March Madness.